Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Three Years

Three years ago, this picture was taken.
I was giddy.  Roger was sick.
Three years ago, we moved into this house.
I finally had the stability I needed.

I had dreams of Christmases to come with family and friends.
Of Thanksgivings with the Jimenezes.
Of July 4th parties with all our friends.
Of Halloween parties.
Maybe some neat flowers and gardening.

I wanted to make "our" place.
I wanted to paint the rooms.
Decorate in "our" style.
We had the perfect niche for wedding photos.
Roger dreamt of having a personal gym at home.
Maybe one day of teaching some small groups again.
We had our offices.
We had tons of room to grow together.

And Roger's mom had dreams too.
She wanted to hear the pitter patter of feet as she stated during her Thanksgiving grace prayer.
The one and only Thanksgiving we had together here.

And as I have stated, I reflect a lot.
I reflect on then and now.
It is not a new habit for me.
Quite an old one actually but it is a bit more melancholy now.

I started thinking of how different my life is now.
I live in the same house.
A small feat for me as I have not lived in the same house for more than 2.5 years since I was in middle school.
A girl who in the span of ten years moved about twelve times or more.

And although my address is stable.
This is not the life I thought I would have standing on the lawn of our new home that day, smiling from ear to ear.
I have a roommate again.
A situation I did not foresee ever happening again.
I am not with Roger.
I am with Mr. X.
I am not working.
I am in school full time.
I am not a software analyst consultant.
I am going to be a teacher.

Yes, I have our place.
But now "our" is a different pair of people.
It is scary to me to see how different my life has become.

What will the next three years hold?
What will the next year hold?


Steph said...

You are truly one of the strongest people that I "know", Star. Hope you're doing well :)

Crash Course Widow said...

I so get what you're saying. My life now is almost completely unrecognizable from what it was almost five years ago. Mostly that just depresses me, but I suppose on a good day I can just let it be a simple fact and not mourn for what I lost. But I seem to have had more bad days (or at least blah days) than good lately. So yeah. It depresses me.

What will the next year and the next three years bring? Who the hell knows...but let's hope it's a helluva lot better than the last almost-two for you and almost-five for me!

Sending you hugs, Star.