Thursday, March 11, 2010

"The Best"

I cannot utter the words "the best" with Mr. X.
I certainly cannot say "You are the best boyfriend ever."
Or even more simply "You are the best."

I just can't.
It feels like I am violating something.
Like I am violating Roger's status on things.

Neither of them were/are better than the other person.
They are very different.
They meet different needs of mine.
They have different personalities.
In some ways Mr. X is the best at things.
In other ways Roger was the best.

But yet I cannot say "the best" to Mr. X.
I do not think I believe in the "best" anymore.
Only "best right now" and that just sounds silly.

Mr. X is not a replacement so making him the new best is just weird too.
So no "best" coming from me for now.
Just "awesome" and "fantastic" and "wonderful" and "great".


Crash Course Widow said...

When Charley and I dated the first time around--3 1/2 years, half in high school and half in college--I said "the best" types of things to him all the time. I love you more than anything....You're the most important thing to me...I love you SO much....blah blah blah. But for whatever reason, when we got back together 5 years later, I never said them again and we left it at merely I love you. Somehow the excessive additions from the past seemed silly, unnecessary, immature, and overly naive. We'd both loved other people in the meantime so we focused only on each other, not on inadvertent comparisons to other people.

And that was before being widowed. And I sooooooo get where you're coming from. No matter how well things go with Mr. X, Roger will always be there in your heart and mind too, in one way or the other. And since you didn't choose to separate, end your relationship, or decide that one or both of you would be better with someone else (or simply without each other), Roger will always have an unblemished part in your life and memories. "Best" is a silly thing to strive for, and you're right--awesome and wonderful and great are perfect, wonderful, NORMAL descriptions. Best of luck to you, Star! Hugs!

Janine (txmomx6) said...

I TOTALLY get this!!!! I feel exactly the same way.
I think you (and I) are very blessed to be able to say "awesome and fantastic and wonderful and great".
Thanks for this.