Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Can Feel That Now

Many people describe loss as numbness that encapsulates them for the first few months.
And I totally felt that.
I could not feel anything except grief.
Nothing penetrated the fog of grief.
Everything is fuzzy in my memory.

When I started back to school last year, my period got completely messed up.
My period was sort of backwards.
Bleeding for twenty days at a time and then not for ten days.
It went on for three or four months.
And I could not figure out why.

I remember sitting in my counselor's office.
And in my gynecologist's office.
I kept telling them I did not understand why.
It was not right after Roger death.
It was about four or five months out.
My gynecologist asked me: "Are you stressed?"

I looked reflectively at myself.
Was I stressed?
I was back in "real" life with school.
I was dealing with the estate stuff still.
My husband did die.
Maybe I was.
But I did not feel it.
Stress was on the list of things that did not penetrate the grief fog.

This week I feel stressed.
My muscles in my back are tight.
I feel overwhelmed.
I am easily agitated.
And the good thing is, I feel it.
At least I think it is good.
Good that I can feel it.
Feel something besides grief.

I am feeling.

1 comment:

Andrea Renee said...

I guess feeling is good (I know it is). I'm finally starting to feel more, too.