I Can Feel That Now

Many people describe loss as numbness that encapsulates them for the first few months.

And I totally felt that.

I could not feel anything except grief.

Nothing penetrated the fog of grief.

Everything is fuzzy in my memory.

When I started back to school last year, my period got completely messed up.

My period was sort of backwards.

Bleeding for twenty days at a time and then not for ten days.

It went on for three or four months.

And I could not figure out why.

I remember sitting in my counselor's office.

And in my gynecologist's office.

I kept telling them I did not understand why.

It was not right after Roger death.

It was about four or five months out.

My gynecologist asked me: "Are you stressed?"

I looked reflectively at myself.

Was I stressed?

I was back in "real" life with school.

I was dealing with the estate stuff still.

My husband did die.

Maybe I was.

But I did not feel it.

Stress was on the list of things that did not penetrate the grief fog.

This week I feel stressed.

My muscles in my back are tight.

I feel overwhelmed.

I am easily agitated.

And the good thing is, I feel it.

At least I think it is good.

Good that I can feel it.

Feel something besides grief.

I am feeling.