Friday, March 19, 2010

The First Time

I have debated writing this entry a long time.
My family reads my blog.
Roger's family read my blog.
But so do other widows.
So do other widows who are new to the "club".
So fair warning... this may be TMI.

Before I met Roger, I dated. A lot.
I liked dating for the most part.
Yes, there were heartaches.
Yes, there were some times where I just wanted to be in a relationship, but for the most part, it was fun just dating.

Then in December 2004, I decided I wanted a real life boyfriend.
Someone to hang out with on the weekends.
Someone to go on vacation with.
Someone to cuddle with.
Someone to have sex with on a regular basis.

I was living in New York City at the time with a consulting job.
I traveled every week for four days.
I loved the concept of my job but I was sick of the traveling routine.
In one city for part of the week, in another city for the rest of the week.
It was a great lifestyle for dating.
But not for boyfriend life.
So in January 2005, I started looking for a new non-traveling job in NYC.
I tried for about four months. Nothing.
My consulting job had a database of all the clients.
I decided to use my resources and look up the clients in Orlando area.
Moving back to Orlando would be easy with a friend base already in place and I knew I loved Orlando.
I moved back. And I started trying to date more seriously in August.
I met Roger at a time when I was dating two other guys.
But by November Roger won my heart.

On my wedding day, I was so nervous.
Not about how the day would go. I hired great vendors that I trusted for that.
But that I would be with the same man for the rest of my life.
"Forever" as my old friend Nick would say.
I would be having sex with the same guy for the rest of my life!!
I felt on the verge of vomiting all day until the ceremony.
But of course afterwards, I was happy with my decision.
Roger was good to me.

After I realized Roger was going to die on me, I thought about how I was going to have sex with a new person someday.
I was in the elevator at the hospital with some very close friends when I exclaimed, "My 'number' is going to go up again!"

Last April, I was longing to be touched.
Not just a hug from a friend.
But T.O.U.C.H.E.D touched.
But I was also so nervous.
Would I feel guilty?
Would I feel like I was betraying my vows?
Betraying Roger?

Before I started dating again, I consulted some of my peers who had gone before me.
Supa and Crash were emailed.
"Did you feel guilty the first time you had sex?"
Both replied no.
"Okay, I can do this."

So last May, I did "it."
I had to make all the first moves.
This guy I was dating was nervous about offending me.
About moving too fast.
To me, I just wanted it out of the way.
I wanted to know yes or no about feeling guilty.
I wanted to know if I could enjoy sex again.
Could I feel?
Could I feel good?

For me, I did not feel guilty at all.
I did not feel I was cheating on my husband.
I did not cry which I severely feared I would.
I could feel again.

I try not to think about Roger's reaction to this whole ordeal as if he is somewhere watching over me.
That is just weird to think of anyway.
But I know Roger would not want me to be sad forever.
Roger would not want me to be alone forever.
He loved me. He would want me to be happy and be loved.


Kate said...

I sobbed the first time I had sex after Jason died. But I was nowhere near ready to go there. It was a bad move on my part. I had the "get it out of the way" mentality, when in reality, I had a lot, lot, lot more work to do in my head before that was okay. I don't regret it, because it taught me something, and I AM ready to date again now, but I am pretty certain I'm okay with it at the moment. At the time, I wasn't.

Crash Course Widow said...

Good for you for being brave and posting about this, Star. Along with the more basic questions (like about what to do with your ring, his ring, his clothes and belongings, etc., etc.), I know a lot of the widows I know also wonder and worry about dating, about sex, about falling in love again. But depending on the people and personalities involved, it's very hard to ask.

And for a number of reasons--I have too many family members (errr, Charley's, I mean) who read my blog, plus I want to be protective of my then-BF, who's still one of my best friends--it's not a topic I'm willing to open on my blog. But it's valuable for others on this path to hear about sex and dating again--both the good stories, and the bad.

Bravo, Star. Hugs.

Jennifer M Karn said...

Very brave of you to share something so very private. Those of us in this stinking 'club' appreciate your openess and honesty. Kudos.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Roger TOTALLY wanted you to be happy. He REALLY wanted you to be happy. He loved you and you loved him.

I'm sure that publishing this will provide for many others on our crazy road!



Janine (txmomx6) said...

Thank you for posting this.
Thank you very much.

Abigail said...

What surprised me was how much I LIKED, no LOVED the sex again after. I felt like my two years of mourning had dried me up forever. I was so relieved to find that wasn't the case.

Merry said...

Thank you for your courage to post this. I hope that all of your loved ones understand your humanity and your need for touch, your desire to FEEL again.

I (like Kate) had sex too soon after losing my husband for partly the same reason... to get it over with. The first time was just weird. I knew I would cry, but I didn't. I just felt numb. I got no pleasure from it. However, the second and subsequent times... (all same person) I did find my ability to feel returned, maybe more intensely than I expected, and I had a very fulfilling sexual relationship with an absolute jerk.

So now that I've got him out of my life, I realize that (a) it was too soon, (b) I can and WILL enjoy sex again, (c) it's worth waiting to be with the right person