Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy

Lately quite a few people have told me I look happy.
And I am happy.  
I do not want people to think I am not happy.
I am definitely in a better place emotionally.

However....

And maybe this is selfish but sometimes I am afraid to say "I am happy."
I am afraid people will suddenly be like "Oh good, I can stop asking about you and go on with my own life."
I am afraid people will think I do not think of Roger or still love Roger.
I am afraid people will think the grief is over.

I still have sleepless nights.  
I still have a permanent video tape that runs through my head of the accident.
And another one of Roger actually dying.  
It has recently been on almost full time.

There is still a part of me that is sad.
I still cry on a fairly regular basis.
But I do not talk about it.
Or even let anyone, including Mr. X, see me cry.  

I try to think back before all of this.
Was I ever truly "happy" before?
Did I answer "I am happy" before?
In fact, I did say it before.  
But back then I did HATE my job.
I did have insomnia every Sunday night.
And I was not completely happy with my body.
But I still answered "I am happy".  

I almost feel like people are tired of me.
They want me to be happy so they can feel released.  
And part of me wants to give it to them.
And part of me does not.

3 comments:

Janine (txmomx6) said...

I SO get this. Loving another man and yet loving my husband and grieving for him ..... I also am afraid that people will think I'm "over" it. I am not. I will never be. I will always love and grieve him. No matter how happy I am or who I love. He will always be in my heart. As Roger is in yours.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

oh Yep! I get that!!

Crash Course Widow said...

You know, it's kind of ironic that we're either concerned about being seen as "over" it too fast/soon/quickly or else that we're not over it yet. Or at least that was my first thought after reading your post and Janine's comment.

For me, at basically five years out now (gulp), I don't have any problems with people thinking I'm "over" it...relatively speaking. That concern has been abandoned somewhere in the last year or two. But what I'm more sensitive to now are the assumptions or judgments people might make after hearing me say things about grief, Charley, this journey, etc., and then judging me that I'm not over it. I'd prefer now that people assume I'm more healed, healthy, happy, etc., than thinking I'm still a sad, pathetic, grieving sack who should be pitied and treated with kid gloves. Being "the widow" for five years has gotten pretty tiring of late.

Symptom and side-effect of the upcoming 5th anniversary in 3 weeks? Most likely, I'd bet....

I do totally get where you and Janine are coming from. But I'll also say that, IMO & experience, as you get farther out, you'll worry less about people thinking you're over it or that you've forgotten, moved on, etc., etc. Just the fact that you mention the DH far into the future will show you haven't. Plus, it gets easier for the happiness to sit alongside the temporary grief spells you'll have; it's not as much of an all-or-nothing, either-or, black-or-white mindset like it is in the earlier years of grief.

Hugs, my friend!