A bit of sadness on this Monday evening.
I guess this should be a blessing.
But I find it a curse.
Many of you have heard me tell the story of the accident.
Probably more than once. Probably more than you want to hear.
And as I have expressed, I remember seeing the car about two seconds (or so it seems) before impact and then I do not remember again until I was opening the door to get out of the car.
I do not remember the conversation we were having, what I said when I saw the car, if Roger saw the car, if he tried to react, the impact, screetching across three lanes of highway, why I have bruises on the inside of my knees (still), why I had a bruise on my side in the shape of a heart, how I cut my arm, coming to a stop, if I saw Roger before getting out, or my first thoughts.
I do know I was saying something since my mouth was filled with glass fragments and I do remember after seeing the SUV, gripping onto my seat.
And today, I was informed, I will never remember those things.
In order for me to remember, these memories would have been sent to short term memory for a few seconds, consolidated, then stored into long term memory.
This did not occur.
Since everything was happening so fast and my body was just trying to survive thus focusing on itself, I did not store these things in short term memory and I did not put these things into long term memory.
That part of my life, those few precious last minutes of Roger's conscious life, are gone.
Oh boy does this hurt.
A bit shocking.
Another thing I cannot and will not control.
Another part of this horrible circumstance that is beyond me.
On the bright side, I'm glad to know that it will not sneak up on me.
It will not catch me off guard one day when I am not prepared.
I will not remember.
It is a little relief that I can stop trying to recall those moments.
I will remember Roger.
I will remember our life, our love, and our stories before all these horror.