Monday, October 13, 2008

Progress

Today is Monday. Ugh.
It seems like by the time Monday gets here, I'm so ready for my counseling session.
It is like my "gas tank" is on empty by the time I get to Monday and I'm so looking forward to talking to my counselor.
Last night and this morning were horrible.
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without crying.
I wanted to call people and I know everyone says they are there but at midnight on a Sunday night/Monday morning? When I really don't want them to be on the phone, but I want them to be at my house.

At my session today, one of the topics: Progress
And how I need a new definition.
In my previous life BRD (Before Roger's Death), progress was something I could measure.
At work, I'm involved in projects so each week is a percentage of your accomplishment.
Like: "How many PowerPlans do you have done?"
"Eighty-five percent and yesterday was eighty percent"
Yay, defined progress!
I've lived most of my life like this.
Just like my checklist obsession, I like checking things off.
Or how many days till an event. For example, there are twelve days till the Halloween party.
I like progress.
This is how I have always defined and measured my progress.

However...
I need to change my definition.
At least when it comes to grieving.
I have been upset with myself.
I have been feeling like I'm failing at the grieving process.
It feels like I am getting worse instead of better.
It's been almost two months and I felt like I should be doing better now.
At least when I'm alone. I'm okay when I'm with friends.
I almost feel normal when I'm with friends. (Almost is a huge key word in that sentence.)
However, I need to balance being distracted with friends and dealing with this pain.
Finding this balance is a struggle for me.

I'm losing my motivation to do almost anything.
I have not worked on the aquarium stand in forever.
I have a table cloth to sew not to mention the master bedroom curtains I need to start.
Which is why I don't feel like I'm progressing.

New definition:
I can not be down on myself for not doing these things.
I can not be down on myself for accomplishing things each day.
I can not let people make me feel down for not doing these things.
I need to be proud of myself for holding on.
For getting through.
For hanging on to this crazy roller coaster I'm on.
I am making it.
And that is my accomplishment.
That is my progress.

7 comments:

Kitty Bear said...

Your new definitions seem just perfect :)

clstar said...

I couldn't agree more with your new definitions.

Vanessa :) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vanessa :) said...

I think your new definition is PERFECT!!!

Lisa said...

I think your new definiteion of progress is right on target. Checking things off your to-do list is fine for errands or work projects, but as far as grieving goes, it's more of a journey.
P.S If you are ever up at 5:30 in the morning, give me a call. :)

John Moeller said...

Star,

I'm really sorry I missed you last Wednesday.... I was at FH Heartland that day....

I have also been keeping up with your reflections, and really feel that it is therapeutic for all of us.

It makes me more appreciative of the simple things of life.


The last "funny" calendar page you left on my desk is from July 2nd... "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green"..... I keep it there cause it make me laugh, it makes me tear up...

Jody said...

Just so you know, if you did need someone at midnight -- I might not be able to come over (but who knows? I might) but luckilly due to insomnia -- I'm awake. :)

I like your new definitions and for what it's worth, I think you are amazing.