Saturday, October 4, 2008


I had a horrible time sleeping last night.
My very comfortable bed was just not comfortable at all.
Last night I had decided that I was going to go running this morning in attempts to be more fit so I didn't take my sleep aide which was a mistake...
I could not fall asleep or stay asleep.

At first, it wasn't true dreams dreams when I was falling asleep.
It was the type of dreams where you are awake but you are still seeing the "screen" in front of you.
I kept seeing Roger right before he passed away.
In one "scene" he was angry.
In another he was telling me it was all okay.
It wouldn't stop. Just over and over again.

Then at 5:30am this morning, I woke up again.
This time from nightmares although I don't remember them.
Suddenly I could hear some water dripping in the master bedroom somewhere.
And my heart started racing.
I started thinking about the hospital I received on Friday.
I know it will be fine since it still hasn't gone through Roger's health insurance but it still wouldn't leave my mind.
Of course I started thinking about other potential hospital bills.
Then of course I could hear everything going on outside.
It took me forever to fall back asleep.

No running for me then...
I slept for another hour after my 8:30am alarm.

Why must his death go over and over in my head?
Why must I try to figure out what he was thinking?
Why must I try to remember what happened at impact?
Why do I have to worry about the future?


1 comment:

Mamie Hall said...

Star, I have faith that the anxieties about the past will fade and you have a lot of people who care about you and will help you face the future.