Sunday, February 8, 2009

"Everything happens for a reason"

I have believed in this saying for a long time.
And I still believe in it. I do.
I hate it right now, but I do still believe in it.
It hurts right now.
It does not give me much comfort but it does give me some.
Just a tiny tiny bit.
I think it’s the reason I still get up each morning.
Besides the cats.

I was having breakfast with a friend and we were talking about this.
When I think back to my first migration to Florida, it was not under the greatest circumstances.
I moved with a guy from the same small town in Virginia and we were not very good to each other.
As boyfriends go, he was pretty bad.

He cheated on me.
I cheated on him. Yes, I know. I was angry and 19.
We said nasty things to each other.
We spied on each other.
It was awful.
In our defense, and yes "our", we were very young.

After all the heartache and all the pain, we were good for each other.
We were with each other for a reason.
We both left a small town that we may not have left without each other pushing.
We both grew up.
I learned how to manage myself on my own.
I became even more independent.

Through him and all those experiences, I became me.
And I love me.
I love who I became.

I was talking to him recently.
We were discussing how we helped each other now that hindsight is 20/20.
I thanked him for our relationship, the good t hings, and the bad things.
And he thanked me too.
Everything happens for a reason.
And I think I met him for a reason.

Now we have something else in common than just the same small town.
Sadly, we went through some pretty hard shit with his mom.
We both know what it is like to take someone off life suppor t.
Even though I thought about this a lot when I was having to make those decisions about Roger, I forgot that my ex did that ten years ago.
And it was really comforting [so not the right word but I cannot describe the feeling perfectly...] to have someone I once knew well and someone who once knew me well share that experience with me.
Just someone to talk to for a few minutes.
Someone to vent to.
He probably has no idea how much he helped me a few weeks ago.

After today's breakfast, my friend and I went to see "Slumdog Millionaire" which I highly recommend.
And the character’s life sucked at times.
There were some pretty shitty times in his life.
But they all got him to the point he is at right now.

I have to believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
And things, in the end, will work out.
I have to hang out to that.
No matter how much it hurts and pains me now.
And to quote another movie: "Life is the way it is suppose to be."

And this is all going to work out, right?

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

"Everything happens for a reason"....God, I hate that one.

I always used to be a firm believer in it. 100%. But then Charley had to go and die, and it fucking pisses me off if there was a "reason" for it, or a purpose, or something I was supposed to learn or that was to help me become a better person.

There was nothing wrong with me before. I was a perfectly nice, caring, responsible, empathetic person. It's not like there was something "wrong" with either Charley or me and that death was our punishment.'s still a nasty voice in my head.

And I still fucking hate that sometimes I CAN see a reason for it, why it happened to me, for how it's helped me connect with other people or to help them through it too. And I still hate that it happened or that I'm supposed to maybe morph this shit road into something positive, so nice "spin."

But yeah...when I'm not so pissy about it, I can see a reason for it too. I'm not happy about it, and I certainly don't like it...but yeah...I do too. And I have to have some hope that it can be put to a GOOD reason.