Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Surviving Spouse

Our first time filing our taxes as a married couple and I am doing it alone.
I love how I'm considered the surviving spouse.
Because right now, I'm barely surviving.

I am so lost.
I am such a mess.
I can barely hold myself together.

It is like having that dream where I am falling.
And I try to kick my legs to wake myself up.
But I am kicking and kicking and I am already awake.
And I am still falling.  

Every time I think I can not miss more than I do at this moment, the next I miss him ten times more.
I remember when he first died, I thought something was wrong with me since I was not crying every moment.
I started to doubt my love for him.
But now, I can barely move.
I can barely breathe.
And I know that I loved him so much.  

For now, I just want to crawl in a hole for a few months.  
Because this is not surviving.
I am barely here.


Rach said...

Is there some place you could take a bit of travel to?

fallgirly said...

I am so sad for you. What are your beliefs on medications? My mom had an extremely rough year losing her mom and dog within days of each other and was perscribed something for a few months to help. This is so incredibly rough, I would be feeling the same way as you, just thought maybe it would help for awhile?

Sarah said...

Thanks for always writing what is going on. I know that I can not truly comprehend what you are feeling but I appreciate your honesty which gives me a glimpse. If you want to come here and hang out for a bit, you are always welcome.

Mel said...

I'm a widow, too. I just found your blog. My husband died unexpectedly in Jan 07.

I can relate to how you feel now.

All you can do is breathe. One more breath.

If you are like me, you will feel lost for a long time. But then one day you will realize that you are ok. And on another day, some time into the future, you will realize that you are happy.

In my experience, I needed to feel the pain. I felt every little bit. I sat next to it, and I sat in it. I turned it into my friend. Not one that I would choose if I had a choice, but one that I came to accept, recognize, and know well.

You cannot outrun yourself, so you can change the surroundings or some of the cirumstances but it will not take away the pain.

Unfortunately, you have to feel it.
But it will get better, I promise.

I promise.

You will learn how to live in a new way, and you will come to like your life again.

Much love and encouragement to you, and I'm here if you need anything,