Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Have to Fight This Feeling

I have to fight the feeling that people do things because they pity me.
Or worse, do not do things because they pity me.

Is a friend afraid to say they hate me?
That they do not want to be my friend anymore?
Maybe say yes to a personal time but then never follow-through because it is too hard to cancel?
I am afraid my friends only stay my friends because of grief.
That they do not want to push me over the edge.
That they do not want to cause me any more pain.

Then I wonder:
Do people get tired of my Roger stories?
Do people get tired of me bringing up widowhood?
Do people get tired of me blaming things on grief?
So then I almost try to stop talking about all the bad stuff.
To make others more comfortable.
Because I feel sorry for them for having to stay my friend.
I feel pity for them!

I am so afraid of people not saying things to me because they do not want to upset me.
Not telling me how they truly feel.

And I fight this feeling over and over again.
I am not sure how to stop this paranoia.
But it is driving me crazy.

To me, Roger's death is still very fresh.
Yes, as I wrote earlier, time has passed but it does not mean grief is over.
A lesson I have had to learn over and over again.

My request for my friends and family, please be honest with me.
Do not pity me.
Please, please do not pity me.


Sherry said...

I came across your blog and see you live in Orlando, i live in Oviedo, which is right outside of Orlando. I am sorry to read about your loss. My husband was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer July 2009, and it seems it is spreading, we have been married 31 years and i feel as though i am already greiving. i feel the same way you do, do they get tired of me talking about his sickness, how will i deal when he passes, people are so weird. they say "o he looks good" knowing that he doesnt. it is very difficult and i feel that i cant talk about it to anyone because they just dont understand. ((hugs))

Funny Girl said...

You are awesome because of who you are, what you've been through, what you've endured, and what you've overcomed. Life is full of challenges. Many have taken their own lives because they do not have the strength or the will to keep living and fighting the fight. YOU, my dear, on the other hand have shown great strength.

To be in touch with your true feelings and true emotions makes us human and helps us feel alive. I've met many a people that have never been in touch with their feelings or emotions.

THOSE are the people I pity.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Friend, this is a very low time of year, I think we're all fighting it to some degree.
I am pretty sure that the people who have stayed close to you really love you for who you are.
I'm sure there are some chickenshits who are being weird, and some day you'll feel sad for them. It certainly shouldn't reflect on you.
Except that we're all so damn reflective in the late winter, when there is so, so little warm or lovely to remind us of the good things in our lives and ourselves.
Your feelings are part of your strength. Your loss doesn't define you, but it is part of who you are.

And girl, you are getting stronger every month. If you weren't, you wouldn't be able to have these doubts. You'd be too occupied. Mr. Fresh calls is "rising expectations" and it's a curse for us who have been so low.