Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Year

Rambling ahead...

I have not looked yet, but I can imagine there are quite a few blog posts talking about the new year.
Perhaps with resolutions.
Perhaps with ideas about things to do.
Perhaps remembering the best things of 2009.
Or the past decade.

This entry has been in my head for a few days.
About a week actually.
Since Christmas I would say.
Which is about a week so that makes sense I guess.

Like I have mentioned, New Year's Day is hard for me.
Both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.
It is a passage of time.
A marker in the sand.
A reminder that time is moving forward.
Constantly moving forward.
That I am moving in time.
Getting older even.
And Roger is not.
Roger is stuck in 2008.
He will never be part of this year or this decade (physically).

It is disturbing to me.
Knowing he will never see me graduate.
Knowing he will never see me turn thirty.
Knowing he will never see me as a mother.
Knowing one day I will turn thirty-five and he never did.
Knowing he did not even see a black president get elected.
I feel like he is missing so much.

There is also the feeling that time just cannot be stopped.
That life keeps moving.
That people will start to forget.
That people will move away.
That people will drift apart.

It also blows my mind that Roger was not part of 2009 at all.
He did not see one minute of 2009.
In 2008, I at least had him for most of the year.
That so many good things happened for us in that year.
And also the worst things.

I am not sure what the next year will bring me.
I am not sure what the next decade will bring me.
But as far as resolutions and making promises to myself, I will keep being myself.
I will keep telling people what I need and give myself a break.
Because this journey is not over.
It only ends when I end.
Then it will be someone else's journey...

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