It was hard.
About three weeks into the month.
It was eerily familiar. Just two years off.
I remember when I found out this couple were engaged.
The last day of my own honeymoon.
I kept my tears to a minimum.
I am pretty sure I hid it well.
At least people let me pretend I did.
It is the vows that get me the most.
"For the rest of your lives" or the traditional "Till death do you part."
And then the first dance.
I remember how happy I felt.
How on top of the world.
Only to come crashing down six short months later.
Then I get hit in the gut.
The fucking bouquet toss.
"All you single ladies come out to the floor," the DJ announces.
Followed by: "Those of you have never been married or have been divorced for at least six months."
Well, neither of those fit me now do they.
I bet the MC/DJ does not even think there may a recently widowed person there who might be slightly offended and annoyed.
I did not really want to go.
My friends insisted. I just wanted to sit there.
Two years ago I was tossing the bouquet.
Last night, I stood on the edge of the group of single ladies watching the bride happily toss hers to all the "single" ladies.
My hands behind my back.
I do want to get married again.
But I am not the typical single girl.
I do not want to catch that damn bouquet.
I had my own bouquet.
I am not single by choice.
I did not decide to be single.
And having Mr. X does NOT make it better.
Yes, he is a great guy.
But this is not a replacement game.
This is not "Oh you must be better now because you are dating."
It is like telling a child how a step-parent is a replacement for their missing Mom or Dad.
It is not the same.