Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day

Amid the many other reasons I picked February for our wedding month, I wanted a good reason for that ridiculous holiday celebrated today.
I have hated Valentine's Day for a long long time.
Overpriced food.
Overpriced service at restaurants.
Crappy flowers everywhere.
Overuse of the color red.
It just sucks.
If single, if taken, if married, if human, it sucks.
At least if my wedding anniversary resided in the same month, it would not have to be celebrated at all.
I dreamed of the days where I could say, "Our anniversary is in just a few days, let's celebrate then instead."

But I never got to say those words.

In 2008, we decided not to celebrate at all.
We told each other and the billion and one people that asked that we got each other a wedding for Valentine's Day.
We paid for the wedding ourselves so it was a valid excuse.
The most wonderful Valentine's gift ever really.

And this year, even though I have my wonderful Mr. X and he is trying so hard.
I am still a bit grumpy.

Maybe it is that the actual day to celebrate is in nine days.

I just read this entry from last year.
And most of my friends have pretty much forgotten about me.
Even one mass text message from a friend.
Yeah, fucking Happy Valentine's Day to everyone in her phone...

And to steal the words of another widow:
"Cherish your loved ones every day because you never know when their next breath may be their last....And this Valentine's Day, to really show your love, instead of buying flowers or candy, make sure you have a will and life insurance."


Crash Course Widow said...

A few days ago I reread my wall calendars from 2005 and 2006. I had a vague recollection that friends used to constantly ask me to do things after Charley died and that I kept pretty busy...but as I actually SAW how many things I did each week, I understood--far too nauseatingly and painfully--just why I'm so lonely anymore and why it feels like I've been completely forgotten and abandoned by 98% of my friends who live locally. Back then, I had 2 or 3 different things--lunches, dinner, coffee--each week, because people still worried about me, felt bad for me, wanted to help, etc., etc., etc. And now? I'm lucky if I have 2 or 3 fun things with friends a month...and those are almost always because *I* initiate planning them.

It's no wonder we feel abandoned and alone, forgotten by our friends, after 18 months (or 4 1/2 years for me). Because we have been...even if they never really intended or meant to. It's too easy for us to fall off their radars as we start dating, as we're supposedly doing "better" now that it's not the first time around for everything, as move in literal and metaphorical ways. And it hurts. Terribly. Being reminded of it later in grief can sting badly.

I know I have a tendency to think (hope?) that much of what I feel will go away when/if I'm in a new relationship or marriage. But as I'm constantly reminded by friends who are remarried or, like you, in good, positive dating relationships, the grief still happens because there's a big part of the grief that's because of the person who died...and not simply because we're lonely, alone, etc.

I'm sorry this month has been so crappy for you so far. I'm sure it's no consolation at all that it's to be expected that it's awful. =( Sending you much love, support, and hugs from a few thousand miles away....

Mars Girl said...

It's really hard. For a long time, I spent a lot of time alone. But I had to really motivate myself to become involved in new things so that I could find other friends who knew me as "single Mars Girl" and not "married Mars Girl." You know? I joined some special-interest clubs and gotten involved at a church... It's helped a lot. But it wasnt easy.

For me, I am really tired of being the third wheel out with my married friends. It makes me feel dysfunctional and strange. Like I'm intruding on something even though the couple has invited me... or I invited them...