Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The First Birthday

I have been dreading Roger's first birthday for months.
Knowing it is in the month of August has not helped.
Knowing that only three weeks after his birthday is when he went away forever from me.
So it has not been my favorite thing to think about.

Plus he would have been 35.  
The first semi-big birthday since we had been together.
I mean, it's not 30 or 40 but still.  

Plus I did not bake him a cake last year.
His favorite thing - layered cake and I completely forgot.
How could I forget?
I planned the rest of the day.
But forgot the damn cake.
I bought him one from Publix.  
Which he loved their cake so it was fine but still... 

I saw a sign.
A literal sign.
I saw a billboard that JetBlue is now going to the Bahamas.
I was driving on the highway when I saw it and I started jumping up and down.
I have a credit for JetBlue.
Then on television, I saw a commercial for Atlantis. 

Now, Atlantis is another guilt spot for me.
Roger told me when I first met him before we even discussed marriage that he was going to Atlantis for his honeymoon.
I think he may have even said "With or without you..."
But when it came time to plan our honeymoon, I convinced him we would do Atlantis some other time.
The Bahamas are only an hour away from here.
I wanted to go away for our honeymoon.
Somewhere we could not just go for a weekend comfortably.  
Somewhere with no kids around.
Somewhere romantic.
So we went to St. Lucia instead.
It was still a relaxing Caribbean honeymoon but far far away.  

And we never got to go to the Bahamas together.
Or to Atlantis.
I robbed him of that.
We probably would have gone this year.

So with my twin, whose husband's birthday is July 31st, we are going to Atlantis to celebrate our husbands' birthdays!
It gives us something to look forward to.
We can comfort each other.
Drink our blues away.  

And I am actually excited now.
No more dread.

As far as the cake is concerned, my wonderful friend Courtney is going to help me.  
Love her! 
So I have a plan.  Which helps me feel more settled.  
Makes me feel okay.  
Makes me feel like I will get through.  


Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Man what a terrific way to celebrate the day -- that is what we need sometimes in a memorial, to remember but in a happy way.

And I love "with or without you..." He was so cute!

Your joy is infectious! Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you have your twin (and me too).



clstar said...

I am already thinking up ideas for the cake, and I'm happy to make one to celebrate Roger. :)

Crash Course Widow said...

Awesome!!!! Great plan for the two of you to do to "celebrate"/avoid/distract/"forget"/and LIVE.

Anna and I spent the day there during our Disney cruise last year and it was TOTALLY AWESOME!!! If you've never done a dolphin encounter (I hadn't), their's rocks...worth every penny. As soon as we had to start walking back to the shuttle back to the ship, I was already trying to plan our return trip--it was that spectacular. (I need to go back to Cozumel sometime too, for similar reasons...although it paled in comparison to Atlantis.)

But don't be surprised if you have some shit moments there too. Some of my hardest moments--particularly in that first year or two of widowhood--in grief were on trips that were inadvertently loaded due to memories or ties to Charley. But I hope going with your twin will help relieve some of it. Can't wait to hear all about the trip when you get back!!

Ann said...

smart move! when a tough day is coming - and they will even past this year, having a plan in place will make it much easier to deal with.