Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Hate...

... my wedding dress.
Like despise.
Like abhor. 
I cannot even stand to see pictures of it.

I criticize it.
I hate the shape.
I hate the way it looked on me.
I hate the color.
I hate the way it moved.
I hate it.

I want to get rid of it.
I do not want to see it in my house.  
I want to sell it.
Or maybe give it away.
But I do not want it here.
I do not want to see it hanging in the "crap-I-cannot-get-rid-of-yet" closet.  

But maybe it is not the dress' fault.  
Maybe it is not the shape.
Or the color.
Or the way it moved.  
Maybe just maybe it is what it represents.
Maybe just maybe it is what I lost.
Maybe just maybe it is a reminder of 2008, the best day of my life. 
The worst year of my life.

I am not sure.
And in all honesty, I am afraid to get rid of it.
What if I do want it a year from now?
What if I get rid of it then regret it?

I know I will never put it on again.
The thought of that makes me cringe and my skin crawl.  
I do not even look inside the bag.  
I think just accidently touching it would bother me.  
Thinking about it actually makes me feel nauseous.  
Yeah, it is probably not the dress itself.  

Talking with my twin, she came up with an idea.
I will give it to my mother-in-law to keep.
That way it is out of my house.
It will be four hours away.
It cannot haunt me.
At least as much.
And if in a year or a five years, I really want to part with it, I can.
Because right now, I do not think "we" can both live in the same house.
Damn dress.


Mars Girl said...

I still have mine, eight years after my husband died. But I keep meaning to sell it on ebay. Though, I havent done it yet. I'm afraid it will jinx someone else. Wouldnt want them to have the same "luck" im marriage that I did. Though, my friend used my veil as her her "something borrowed" when she got married. She's been married for three years now. That's two years longer than I was married. So maybe it'll work out for her... Maybe the dress and all of its parts are not jinxed. Just me. I'm jinxed.

Crash Course Widow said...

I understand completely, Star. It wasn't my wedding dress that set me off, but I had some stuff like that. The bike that Charley died on, all his biking equipment: those were the Achilles heel for me. I hated having them, but I couldn't get rid of them.

I finally did get rid of them, in fits and spurts. Some of them when I moved out of our old house about 16 months after he died, and the rest just within the last 6-12 months or so. Giving the dress to you MIL is a good way to get "rid" of them but still have it around somewhere. I had no idea that eventually I would give Charley's track bike and the bike he died on to his dad (for a long time I was adamant that I didn't want him to have them, because I couldn't bear to know I'd have to see them again someday)...but in the end it was the easiest answer logistically...and it helped with the whole Anna side of it too, in case she ever wanted to see or have her dad's bike(s).

I still have my wedding dress too, at 5 1/2 years past the wedding and almost 4 years A.D. No idea what I'll do with it, but I'm damned glad it's in a wardrobe box out in the garage now, which I used for moving, and not in a closet in my house. I don't have to see it anymore. But I doubt I could get rid of it either. I assume for similar reasons why I can't get rid of all of Anna's outgrown baby clothes either....

Hang in there. Hugs.