Tuesday, June 2, 2009

End of a Chapter

Today was the last day of my grief counseling sessions.
An end of another chapter.
A nice ending at that.  
And sweet relief in a way.  

I remember about eight weeks ago when my counselor first suggested I was ready.
I was in shock.
I felt like there was no way I was ready.
She was my safety net.
And I needed my safety net.
I needed my weekly session to vent and cry and blabber.

So knowing I need data for almost everything in my life, we planned an experiment.
The first step was two weeks away from her.
And I survived.
Even with getting the final court order and all the emotions that it evoked.
I survived.
I was able to handle myself.
I was able to get through a bad moment with grace.

Her second step of the "experiment" was to go four weeks without her.
Which ended up being five weeks due to my school schedule.
And again, I did it.
I was able to figure out what I needed, express what I needed, and execute what I needed.  
I can do this.
I can cope on my own.
And by "on my own" I mean without a professional.
I still need my friends and family.
I still need to keep up with blogging.
And I still need to do the things that work for me.

My counselor was great as always.
She told me how she was proud of me.
She told me how great it was to see the old Star reemerging.  

Something else she noticed and I have noticed lately as well is I am no longer defined by the word "widow."  
In the beginning of this journey, it was a box I had been thrown into.  
I was trapped there.
But I am busting out of that definition and into me, me, me.  

So now, I have an hour back of my life each week.
I was able to walk out of the clinic with my head high today instead of big puffy eyes I had a few months ago.  
I even found myself smiling back at her as I left.  
I am okay.  
I am good.
And that was the best investment I have ever made in myself.
I will survive and I will thrive.  


Mars Girl said...

I knew I was at the end of a chapter when I stopped checking "widow" on forms for various registration things (ie, the doctor's office, tax, etc.). I just took the "single" designation with a gulp. I guess it was more comfortable anyway as I was only married for 20 months. Even though I had enjoyed checking "married" on everything within those 20 months.

That's great that you've moved on from the professional help. You'll still have your up days and your down days. (Wait until you have to attend the weddings of friends and family--that's a REAL challenge.) But you can get through it, step by step. Just keep blogging because people out there need this. I wish there had been blogs when I went through this... but in 2001, they were few and far between.

Rick said...

That is GREAT NEWS!!!!


I pray that you have more good days than bad from now on!!!


Deanna said...

I am SO proud of you Star! Continue to put one foot in front of the other with your head held high. :)

Emily said...

What a big step for you...

I'm a Central Florida Nestie, and I've been reading your blog since September. I don't know you in real life, but I am so proud of how far you have come in the past nine months. I love reading about your journey, and I hope you continue blogging about your experiences as you make your way back to the old, but new, Star.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Yay! Another milestone passed. Congratulations!