Monday, December 1, 2008

The Blood

The accident has started replaying in my head again.
It has stopped for a while but now its back.
And mostly its not the entire accident that keeps replaying now, but just short snips of it.

As I saw the SUV coming, I gasped.
This did not make sense.
How is there someone coming toward us on this road?!
We were on a highway. Where is this driver coming from?
There are only exits and entrances, not intersections.
My mind was not truly grasping what was happening as it is coming toward us and the SUV does not seem like it is slowing down.

Then I realize "Shit, we are going to be in accident."
I have no recollection of what Roger was started doing.
Was he talking to me still?
Did he see the SUV?
What did he do when I gasped?

Then, I dropped my hands down and grabbed onto the bottom part of my seat on each side. This action is what cut my forearm on the console.
I knew I should not tense up. Was I tensing up?
I wait for the impact.
People are in accidents everyday.
We would not be going to the reunion or seeing family in Virginia but everything would be fine.
We'd get through this.

As I understand from the police report, there was a cop in front of us and there was a cop behind us seeing the whole accident. They were driving home from their shifts.
We were in one of the left middle lanes. Our car was hit on the driver's door and our car slid about 75 feet to the right shoulder of the road.

I do not know how long I sat in the car without getting out.
I do not know if I tried to talk to Roger before getting out.
I do not know if I tried to touch him.
I do remember reaching for the door handle.
I do remember not even bothering to put both shoes on (I have a bad habit of slipping out of my shoes when I'm a passenger).
I do not remember feeling the wet, debris-filled road with my barefeet.
I sort of remember seeing blue lights from the police car coming from behind me.

I am standing on Roger's side of the car.
I am looking at him with his eyes closed.
I start to yell at Roger to get out of the car.
I keep yelling at him.
I hear a car drive by and hit the debris on the road.
The car door is gone.
But Roger must get out.

Roger is facing me.
I take my right hand out to touch his face.
The left side of his face.
The part of his face that is resting on the car seat.
As I touch his face, there is a warm gooey substance on my hand.
I look at my right hand in utter disbelief.
It's Roger's blood.
This can not be real.

It was all over my right hand.
I start to scream.
Time starts to stop.
I can't breathe.

The cop is running toward me.
He is telling me how I am bleeding a lot and I need to sit down.
I look at my left arm.
I see the bone.
My engagement ring and my wedding band are covered in my blood.
My right hand is covered in Roger's.

I am sat on the ground.
Panic starts to set in.
Tears are streaming down my face.
I cannot take a deep breath.
Rain is falling on me.
I want to go back to the car.
I want to be with Roger.

No one answers my questions.
Is he breathing?
Does he have a pulse?

My life starts crumbling.
Oh my God.
Please oh my God.

My mouth is full of glass.
I can feel it cutting me.
I feel it grinding in my teeth.
I need water.
I need Roger.
I need this not to be my life.

Finally someone brings me my purse.
A man with a badge around his neck with an orange polo shirt.
I think my arm is broken.
I can see the bone but I can move my fingers.
Can I move my fingers if my arm is broken?
I want to go back to the car.
They won't let me near him.
They say they are keeping me safe.

They all knew the ending.
They all knew how our story would end.

Marlyn cleaned my rings.
I threw away my bloody clothes.
We brought home his bloody boots.
The blood underneath my nails eventually went away.
But I will never forget the moment of his blood on my hand.


Joanne said...

Star, I don't have any words for you except that I love you and think about you and Roger and his family every single day.

I'm so sorry that this happened.

jrose35 said...

Star you are always in my thoughts. I started crying as I read this blog post. You were the first person I reached out to in a online community and felt a real connection with. You always had the best advice and I truly appreciated all of it. I was so happy to hear you are going to back to finish school. You are so smart and will be so excellent! I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and you always have my support.

StaceyC said...

We have never met. I am a CFL Nestie that has been following your blog, but have never commented. I just read and am utterly amazed at how good you are at putting your feelings into words. I lost both my grandmoms last year within 4 months of each other. I still wake up in sweats, I cry at least every other day, and like you people don't know what to say when these things happen. It is almost like they feel since the funeral is over the grieving must stop or you just continue living. These are obviously the people that haven't lost anyone. You are stronger than you believe and help me with my own grieving process. I wish I was as good at expressing my feelings through my words as you. Again, I am sorry for your loss. It seems you have a great support system that will help you figure out what comes next. Good luck going back to school.

robyn said...

sweet are always in my prayers....