Saturday, December 13, 2008


I am such a mess.
I hate this feeling.

As I have mentioned before, I took my wedding band and engagement ring to be combined and put into a custom design.
I wanted to be able to wear them forever even if I got remarried. (Sorry, Mr. New Husband)
Today the wax mock up was ready for me to review.
I was very excited. I have been missing seeing my diamond and the feeling of wearing a ring. After two years of wearing something its a weird feeling not to have something.
My hands look so naked and I just miss my rings so much.
I miss what they represent.

Well, I arrive and this very annoying sales person who I refused to work with before approaches me. But not just approach, like she was invading my personal space and talking very loudly.
"Oh, you are back" in her very nasally annoying voice.
I run over to the work area and tell them my name.
First it takes forever for them to find my rings.
I think I stopped breathing for a few minutes.
Finally they find the rings with one of the jewelry making guys.

They bring the wax mold over to me.
And... I hate it.
They made it just like the picture and did not make the changes to it that I wanted.
It is bulky and looks gaudy.
I am sure people will think it is fake.
It is like nothing I would ever wear.
I want to cry.
I am not going to cry.
I am not going to cry here.
Not here.
So I ask them if they can make the band skinnier and change part of the setting to circle and not square.
"We will have to do a new mock up which will take an additional week."
I lose it.
Right there.
Right in front of half the store.
They freeze as I start sobbing.
"My husband just died and I really miss my rings and I just wanted to have this before Christmas."
Great... I'm really trying not to milk my circumstance.
I don't want people to think I'm just trying to ride this out for everything its worth.
I really am trying.
The jewelry guy makes a phone call, notes the changes, and tells me not to worry. I'll have it before Christmas. He wants me to be happy.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm sick and already emotional and was starting to get hungry.
I just want my ring. I want to see the diamond that Roger gave me.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

If it's any consolation, I broke down in front of so many strangers and professionals I was paid to do a service for me that it was just downright embarrassing. The massage therapist's manager after I had a shitty massage? Meltdown. A new financial planner that I was reassigned to about 6 months after Charely died and whom I met for the first time 3 days after I found out I was losing my job (which was also the day before I was returning to work)? Meltdown. The CPA when I had to get my taxes done the first time after Charley died (and on Valentine's Day no less, and the day I gave notice at work that I was quitting)? Meltdown. The vet assistant? And the vet too? Meltdown, meltdown, and meltdown.

The list goes on and on.

I worked so damned hard on holding it together in front of people who knew me and who'd be upset to see me falling apart, so they'd never see how much I hurt and how hard everything was (and I did it supposedly more for me than for them, I believe), that I always just lost it in front of strangers. And it always seemed to happen when I was already feeling awful or when something small went wrong--something I told myself that I absolutely should NOT react to. Yet I always did.

So yeah, it totally sucks when you fall apart in front of the most maddening strangers...but I found that those tears actually served a useful purpose (once I had some hindsight). I got a lot more sympathy, understanding, and assistance when it was obvious I was not doing well. People were a lot more baffled, standoffish, or judgmental when I tried to be logical and detached yet still trying to communicate what I was secretly falling apart over. But the tears worked like magic.

Doesn't mean I was able to control it any better or that I was able to put the same trend to good use with my family or closest friends...but at least it often got me what I wanted or needed: help when I needed it most.

Hang in there. And I'm sorry the rings didn't turn out the way you imagined them. It's a double blow when you're already hurting. But stick to it until you get them exactly perfect and 100% how you want, because otherwise you'll end up disappointed for months and years to come. The need for comfort in the long term for outweighs the inconvenience factor in the short term.