I know I did this before.
I know I was independent and self-sufficient.
I know I could take care of myself in sick times.
I know I was sick before I met Roger.
I remember those instances well.
But no matter what, it really sucks to do this without him.
Right now, I have a horrible head cold.
I hate not being able to breathe properly.
And more than not breathing or having a cold, I hate hate hate flying with a cold.
It's actually not recommended at all and if I wasn't coming home, I would not have done it.
But I did not have a choice today, so now I must suffer the consequences... alone.
My right ear has not popped yet and on the decent into Orlando, I thought my head was cracking open.
I miss having someone else go and get me chicken noodle soup.
I miss having someone else set me up on the couch.
I miss having someone run to the drugstore for me.
I miss having someone here who really cares about my health.
At the airport and the drugstore, people politely smiled at me but I just could not be bothered.
I don't want to smile today.
I don't want to smile on most days and especially when I feel like crap.
And if I smile for too long, I may pass out since I have to breathe through my mouth.
[And a side story:
I was on Southwest flight where you pick your own seat.
I sat near the window and a lady sat down next to me in the aisle seat.
I was almost tempted to warn her that I was sick but I didn't.
When I started violently sneezing about fifteen minutes after take off, she disappeared.
Between sneezes one and two she was there, but between sneezes three and four, she was gone. It was almost as though my sneezes blew her away about ten rows behind me.]
So this is my new life.
This is me having to take care of myself again.
When I had finally succumbed to having someone else take care of me, he is no longer here.
This is f#cked up.