WARNING: I AM RAMBLING AND VENTING...
I had my first birthday without Roger a mere six weeks after he passed away.
I went to dinner with friends.
I was sad.
And as a small birthday dessert was brought to me near the end of my day tears filled my eyes.
But it was not as bad as I thought it would be.
Like I would learn about most holidays and anniversaries and birthdays (except the one year death anniversary), it was mild.
This year is my second birthday without him.
And for some reason it is blowing.
I feel severely grumpy.
I am not sleeping.
And I just am very sad about this one.
Grief is starting to put his hands around my neck to suffocate me.
I am not sure why I am so sad.
I feel really stressed about it.
About the week.
About my birthday.
I feel like it will not be my birthday.
It is not the same.
So I just want to skip it and postpone it till next week.
When less things are going on.
And then I was pushed more into my slight depression by a couple of comments over the weekend.
The main one was during a conversation about how people only associate with people who are in the same stage of life as themselves.
So married people hang out with other married people.
Single people hang out with other single people.
And people with children hang out with other people with children.
But I am not really in any of those categories.
My single friends still associate me as being married.
My married friends associate me with being single.
And of course I have no kids to be with the people with kids group.
And I am really starting to feel it.
Yes, I have Mr. X so you would think people would invite me to things that other couples are invited to but that is not really the case.
Maybe they don't like Mr. X?
And my single friends do not seem to invite me to things either.
Why? I am not sure.
So I am in this sort of limbo state.
And I suddenly feel very alone.
People do not know where to categorize me.
And it hurts.
It hurts to think people will move on with their lives.
Moving into a new stage without me.
Yeah, grief sucks...
And it is sucking the life out of my birthday...
And I am so not looking forward to this birthday.