Thursday, September 10, 2009

Why Do I...

... cry at the drop of a hat.
Especially around Mr. X.
I know it is because I am comfortable around him.
He makes me feel safe.
[And maybe it is because sometimes he knows what I am thinking and when I am thinking.
It is quite scary.]

But yesterday I made a big decision.
I told Mr. X about it.
I had been venting to him about it for a few days.
And it is a decision that was stinging me as I made it.
And I did not cry about it till I was safe in bed and Mr. X told me it was okay to cry.
He told me how he was there to listen and he knew how much this decision was hurting me.
And so I did cry.
Almost instantly as he said it.

So I decided...
I am not going to Africa like I planned.
Like we planned.
Like Roger and I planned.
Like we had planned many, many things in our lives that got all fucked up.
The amount of things that have been fucked up just keeps going.

First and mostly, like 90%, it is a money thing.
Last week I spent almost $1,000 on car repairs.
I must have a car so I had to spend the money.
Not to mention how much money I have already spent this year traveling.
Sometimes planned travel.
Sometimes not so planned travel.

But there is a dark second reason as well.
I am stubborn.
I am very stubborn.
Someone tells me I cannot do something and it makes me even more determined to do it.
Even more so, when things or events try to interrupt my plans, it makes me more determined to keep to the plan.
Just keep to the plan. [Although, I am working on this character trait/flaw.]

I still wanted to go to Africa because that was the plan.
Because I am stubborn and that was the plan and that is what I was going to do.
Stupid death was going to stop me?
Losing my husband was going to stop me?
Losing my traveling partner was going to stop me?
Losing my income was going to stop me?
No way.
Not me.
Not this girl.
Nothing was going to stand in my way.

But this is not exactly the Africa trip we were planning.
This was a "revenge on death" trip to Africa.
This was a "revenge on life giving me shit" trip to Africa.
This was a "I can do anything and nothing will stop me" trip to Africa.
But that is not how I want to do this.
I want an African trip to be about seeing another continent.
About visiting my wonderful friend Andrea and her fantastic kids.
About seeing unusual cultures and animals.
And if I am completely honest with myself, I do not want to travel almost half way across the world alone.
A trip like Africa is meant to be shared.

So I will go to Africa.
I will go loads of places.
I will meet lots of people.
I will make my mark on the world.
But I will do it in the right time in the right mindset and in the right way.

I know Roger would agree with me.
Especially when it comes to budgeting.
He was so great at saving.

So I will save my money.
The money his death provided for me.
And I will clear my head.
And I will go to Africa someday.
I will touch a lion.
I will see African villages.

And unfortunately, I will still cry.
I will give myself a break.
I will let myself be less stubborn.
I will let myself be less on a plan.
I will love me.
I will love my life.
Because that is what Roger taught me.
Save my money, live my life, and not be so planned.

1 comment:

Crash Course Widow said...

Anyplace you wrote "Africa" in this post, for me you could have substituted "have another baby on my own." That was our plan, to have two kids close in age, blah blah blah, and Death wasn't going to stop that. It just took me two years before I finally realized that The Plan Before didn't really work for the Here and Now After Death.

I really liked the "revenge on death" and "I can do anything and you can't stop me" bits. I felt the EXACT same way; I just didn't word it or realize it that way. What took me a long time to realize is that, while death didn't stop those things exactly, it DID change them. Completely.

I'm proud of you for making your decision...regardless of what that decision was. Going, not going. Both are equally hard. And I understand completely. Btw, traveling with other widows is a great way to still do the stuff you used to do married; we get it, we understand the hard stuff and the wonderful stuff, and best of all, you don't end up traveling alone. Granted, you already found this out with your escape to Atlantis, but when you're planning your next big vacations, don't forget to hit up various widow friends for travel mates. I bet they all miss traveling and travel partners as much as you do. ;o) Now, I'm not one for Africa...but other places (like Europe), absolutely! Just gotta win the lottery (or go back to work full-time at a great-paying job =)) first.

And I'm really proud of you for opening up to Mr X and sharing all this with him too, and for crying around him. I know how hard it is, letting yourself be that open and vulnerable again; in the end, I couldn't really do it with my friend when we were dating because I just didn't want to go that in-depth. I wanted a break from my real life, not to let someone into my real life. So big kudos to you, girl!

Hugs!! Love ya!