I am no longer scared of my house alarm not being set at night. If I forget, I am not freaked out like I was before.
I am no longer too worried about someone lurking in my garage.
It is a huge improvement.
So now I have new worries.
Now I worry about things like will I have enough life insurance money to survive on a teacher's salary and keep this huge house?
Will I be able to find a job after school?
What will it be like to go to the next funeral?
What will I be like in my next car accident?
Will I be a good teacher?
Will I like my job?
What will it be like if I am a widow again?
Somewhat normal worries.
And then one still somewhat strange fear.
I am hoping I am not alone in this one but...
I have a deep fear that I will see Roger's ghost.
At night, when I cannot look out onto the dark patio where I left his bloody clothes after the accident. I am afraid of seeing him standing there.
I am afraid I will see his ghost sitting in his-turned-my office.
Or perhaps when I turn on the lights to enter my bedroom for the night.
Or in the garage.
Or even on the toilet in the middle of the night.
It is a weird fear/paranoia.
I do not necessarily "feel" his spirit with me when I have these fears/feelings.
And it makes me wonder if I need more counseling.
It has not come to the point where I will not walk into said area of the house, but I do feel my heart start to race just a bit.
My eyes try to get as big as they can to absorb as much in the room as possible.
So I will not be caught off guard.
God only knows what will happen if this does occur.
And I am not sure why it would scare me to see his ghost.
I just do not feel ready to see his ghost.
Because that would mean that yes he is really dead.
And the ghost would be some sort of proof.
Ugh... why am I so insane?