Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Ghosts in the Closet

Most of my paranoia has calmed down.
I am no longer scared of my house alarm not being set at night. If I forget, I am not freaked out like I was before.
I am no longer too worried about someone lurking in my garage.

It is a huge improvement.
So now I have new worries.
Now I worry about things like will I have enough life insurance money to survive on a teacher's salary and keep this huge house?
Will I be able to find a job after school?
What will it be like to go to the next funeral?
What will I be like in my next car accident?
Will I be a good teacher?
Will I like my job?
What will it be like if I am a widow again?
Somewhat normal worries.
Sort of.

And then one still somewhat strange fear.
I am hoping I am not alone in this one but...
I have a deep fear that I will see Roger's ghost.
At night, when I cannot look out onto the dark patio where I left his bloody clothes after the accident. I am afraid of seeing him standing there.
I am afraid I will see his ghost sitting in his-turned-my office.
Or perhaps when I turn on the lights to enter my bedroom for the night.
Or in the garage.
Or even on the toilet in the middle of the night.

It is a weird fear/paranoia.
I do not necessarily "feel" his spirit with me when I have these fears/feelings.
And it makes me wonder if I need more counseling.
It has not come to the point where I will not walk into said area of the house, but I do feel my heart start to race just a bit.
My eyes try to get as big as they can to absorb as much in the room as possible.
So I will not be caught off guard.
God only knows what will happen if this does occur.

And I am not sure why it would scare me to see his ghost.
I just do not feel ready to see his ghost.
Because that would mean that yes he is really dead.
And the ghost would be some sort of proof.

Ugh... why am I so insane?


Mars Girl said...

I wanted to see my husband's ghost. I begged him to appear, but he never did. I would hope that if our husbands appeared before us in a ghostly form, it wouldn't be a scary experience... I dont think they'd be trying to haunt us... Though, I have to admit, it would be kind of scary at first.

It took me a long time to be comfortable alone anywhere I lived for awhile. I'm not in the same house I lived in with Mike. I sold it about six months after he died, because I couldnt take all the memories, and I moved into an apartment in another city for awhile. Still, I used to have night terrors and panic attacks where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and think I see a shape at the end of my bed and I couldnt move. Fortunately, I'm finally comfortable in my own house at night. Though, sometimes, it's still unnerving. Especially when I hear noises I cant identify.

Crash Course Widow said...

Hey, if you're insane, we're all insane together...which is okay in my book. ;o)

I often still wonder if there's something wrong with me when I'll have sortof-mini/not-really-anything panic attacks (but only in my head) when I see or think of certain random triggers. And they're never anything logical, but the fear and the muscle/emotional memory I have (from having the worst thing imaginable actually happen) sometimes sneak up and attack me when I'm thinking about or see something totally unrelated.

I know it's "normal" but I'm still surprised that it still happens at all at 4 years out. And I'm not surprised at all that you're feeling it so strongly right now, at "only" 13 months out. I know it's hard to accept or fathom, but you're still so early into this shit journey and there's still so much more ahead of you. I don't say it to depress you at all; from my own experience, the most acutely painful, hardest parts are probably behind you...but it doesn't mean that it goes back to "normal" as quickly as we'd like to think. There's still so much more to learn, think, realize, etc., after that first year and in so many ways, it truly is a lifelong process.

Hang in there, Star. Many, many hugs....