Overwhelmed

Maybe it is the fact my house feels untidy.

Maybe it is the fact I need to clean the fence.

Maybe it is the fact I need to powerwash the patio.

Maybe it is the fact I need to laundry.

And buy groceries.

And call an electrician.

And clean the gutters.

And call my health insurance people.

And read about ten chapters for school.

And work on a team project.

And find a new landscaper.

And pay some bills.

And take the cats to the vet.

And get ready for a 5K when my ankle still hurts.

And...

Top that with some grief bubbling up.

And all that leads to I am overwhelmed.

Very overwhelmed.

And I feel sort of trapped by it.

Like there is just so much to do and no way for me to get it all done.

Alone.

There is not anyone to really help me unless I ask them for help.

And yes, people will help me get caught up but then it will just happen again.

And yes, people offer all the time but I do not want to inconvenience them.

I still hate asking for favors.

I still hate feeling like I need help.

And I hate this feeling that I do not have my partner.

No one to truly help me get through all the "lovely" activities in maintaining a home and living life.

Someone to even vent to.

Or just pick up where I leave off.

And yes, Mr. X has offered but that is not fair to him either.

Why should he have to help me?

And a lot of people feel like their duty is off.

[Not everyone let me point out. I still have an amazing support system.]

I made it through a year.

So I must be okay now, right?

Wrong.

I am not "okay" yet.

I am not sure if I will ever be okay 100% of the time again.

At least not anytime soon.

It seems like lately I have done a lot more thinking.

Remembering stories.

Going back over the accident in my head.

I am not crying too much about it.

Just thinking.

Maybe because my birthday is coming up?

And I know there will not be a birthday present from Roger posthumously like last year.

And our first date anniversary is two weeks.

Ugh...

So here I am.

Being overwhelmed...

Very overwhelmed.