I Couldn't Help But...

... to feel my grief yesterday.

I know all of America lost yesterday.

I know all of America grieved yesterday.

But even eight years ago, I felt an ache for the widows and widowers on that day.

Yesterday, I felt it even more.

Yesterday, I thought about how those men and women must have felt to watch on television and not be able to do something as their spouses died.

As their spouse never returned home.

As they had to keep moving forward day in and day out.

And because of yesterday, my own grief was been a little more pronounced.

First, my anatomy class.

I knew this would happen eventually.

But I just did not think about it happening so soon.

My professor showed us a CT.

A CT of the brain.

He talked about how hematomas of the brain show up really well on CT.

How they are quick and cheap.

Ugh.

Yes, they do show the bruising and brain damage.

Yes, even I fucking saw it on the CT.

As I stared at the CT of the brain, I thought about Roger's.

How it looked.

How there was no space between the two hemispheres of his brain.

How there were no "wrinkles" on his brain.

How there was no space between his skull and his brain.

How completely fucked his brain was.

And as I passed the over two thousand flags stuck into a field of campus, I could not help but think about Roger.

How there are so many other women and men who also feel the same pain as me.

Young and recently married.

Then my physics professor said something that made tears want to fall.

"Every day is precious and every life is precious."

Ugh.

The tears did not fall thankfully.

So did not have to explain to the young naive girl sitting next to me why this simple thought resonated like a gong in my chest.

But it is so true.

I think about all the times I had to fight my job to keep my work and life balanced.

I remember how much I did enjoy having Roger in my life.

My prayer for everyone who has not suffered a loss like mine to remember.

Remember 9/11 if not for America or the war on terrorism but for the women and men like me.

The ones who lost their partners and their plans and their life as they knew it in an instant.

Remember that we only have this moment.

Just this one.

As America starts to get further and further from the actual 9/11 I hope people do not forget the ones who were left behind.

The ones who have to think about that day forever.

Please enjoy your loved ones.

Please remember life is short.

Life is unexpected.

And nothing is more important than family and friends.

Nothing.