Titles

I have come to hate my "title".  

I hate the word "widow".

I do not like the way it defines me.

Or how other people let it define me.  

I am mostly bothered how other people define me.

I do not like the way it makes me feel how I should act a certain way.

Be a certain way.

Move a certain way.

Yes, I know I am "normal" compared to by widow friends but non-widows do not understand. 

I hate the image the word "widow" it puts into people's head.

Old lady wearing black as my friend Candice puts it.

I hate the way the suddenly look at me.

Sympathy is fine.  But the pity in their eyes is unnerving and unrattling.

I hate how they act around me.

Suddenly they do not know what do say or not say.

I hate how they cringe as they hear the title.  

Some people even slouch their shoulders and their facial expression winces.  

I hated the title "fiancee" too.  

It sounded so snobby.  

Sounded so weird.  

I rarely used it.  

I hated to hear it.

I hated to use it.  

And now, I am trying hard not to say the word "widow".

It just seems so dark.

So old.

So sad.

So depressing.  

I did come up with a title for Roger when typing to others - LH.  

It stands for late husband.

Using the whole thing spelled out sounded like I was in my 50s/60s.  

Using his name feels weird sometimes.

Not that it is sacred or anything, but just strange.

A feeling I cannot really describe. 

Ugh, titles.  

Cannot live with them or without them.