I hate the word "widow".
I do not like the way it defines me.
Or how other people let it define me.
I am mostly bothered how other people define me.
I do not like the way it makes me feel how I should act a certain way.
Be a certain way.
Move a certain way.
Yes, I know I am "normal" compared to by widow friends but non-widows do not understand.
I hate the image the word "widow" it puts into people's head.
Old lady wearing black as my friend Candice puts it.
I hate the way the suddenly look at me.
Sympathy is fine. But the pity in their eyes is unnerving and unrattling.
I hate how they act around me.
Suddenly they do not know what do say or not say.
I hate how they cringe as they hear the title.
Some people even slouch their shoulders and their facial expression winces.
I hated the title "fiancee" too.
It sounded so snobby.
Sounded so weird.
I rarely used it.
I hated to hear it.
I hated to use it.
And now, I am trying hard not to say the word "widow".
It just seems so dark.
I did come up with a title for Roger when typing to others - LH.
It stands for late husband.
Using the whole thing spelled out sounded like I was in my 50s/60s.
Using his name feels weird sometimes.
Not that it is sacred or anything, but just strange.
A feeling I cannot really describe.
Cannot live with them or without them.