Tuesday, August 11, 2009

August 13, 2008

On New Years Day 2008, Roger and I discussed our resolutions.
With the time we were gaining post wedding, we wanted to volunteer some of our time.
We wanted to give back.
We were blessed.
We wanted to help others.
So last summer when my good friend Jody mentioned the Headdress Ball, we were excited.
Of course, we waited till the last minute to send the applications in.
As in the very last day to get the orientation done and the very last day to complete the application.
I asked Roger if he wanted me to complete his application.
"Nah. I can do it. Just email it to me."
I went ahead and filled out the basics for him.
Phone number.
He had to fill out his "special skills" and which areas he wanted to volunteer in.
Roger's "special skills" area was filled out with: "strong, friendly, carpentry, computers/networking, security" and my favorite "acting".

Now all of these make me smile.
This was so his sense of humor.
And I emailed it to the coordinator just as it was.
"Strong" was true but does it qualify as a special skill? Was he trying to impress me? Did he not realize we were already married?
I was already impressed.
I am not sure what the volunteer coordinator thought.
The "acting" was a stretch.
Roger was in two student films.
A film student at UCF.
Very very low budget films.
In one movie, he was listed four different times.
Different parts and part of the set design.
These movies are hilarious for their poor acting and super low budget.
But he did have lines.
Like one.
Maybe two.
And he got the part because of his martial arts training was at UCF.
Same school as the film student who just happened to come in to recruit people.
Roger could fall correctly, so he got the part.

That night we met up at the center for the volunteer orientation.
I was coming from work.
My coworkers and I were late.
Roger was later.
He had worked from home that day and was having trouble finding the center.
He finally found it.
I gave him a quick kiss and then we went in to find seats in the conference room.
He gave up his seat for me and he sat on a table against the wall.
I sat with my friends.
I can still see his expression on his face.
I had thought the theme was superheroes for which he was super excited.
Unfortunately, when I googled, I brought up the previous year's theme.
He was a bit disappointed.
But he still was being a good husband and we were going to have fun volunteering.

We never made it to the Headdress Ball that year.
It was suppose to be in September.
He died in August.
Frankly, I forgot about it for several months till Jody mentioned it.
I did not even think to let the organization, Hope and Help, know they lost two volunteers after the accident.

Now, I volunteer there.
I started earlier in the summer when I had to complete some volunteer hours for a class.
I completed those hours but still go to fill some of my time.
For the first time in my life, I am a receptionist.
It is mindless work.
I get to read while answering a few phone calls and greeting some clients.
It is a sweet gig.

Today I got overwhelmed while there with a random memory.
It has been almost a year since Roger was in the center.
Almost exactly.
One of the chairs from my reception area was missing.
I normally have three and today I had four.
The office manager saw it in the conference room.
The conference room.
I offered to move the chair back.
I could see the spot where he sat.
I could see that expression of his when he learned there would be no superheroes.
I wanted to cry.
I waited to cry.
When I got home, I threw a small temper tantrum.
The back gate to the backyard would not close.
It was enough to put me over the edge.
So I threw my stuff on the ground.
I stomped my feet.
I screamed.
I cried.

The evening has not been much better.
Slowly the year is slipping away.
Slowly, it will be more than 365 days.

Damn him for dying.
Damn him for leaving me.
Damn him.

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