Saturday, August 15, 2009

No More Guilt

A couple of months ago, I wrote about the first birthday.
I decided then to go to the Paradise Island, Bahamas for his birthday.
Specifically to Atlantis.

I was feeling a lot of guilt about not going to Atlantis for our honeymoon.
A lot of guilt.
I felt like I had robbed Roger of his ideal honeymoon.
I felt like I had robbed him of something he really looked forward to doing for a long time.
I felt like a horrible wife.
A bridezilla who wanted her way.
And yes, I know I was not any of those things.
But the guilt was very heavy.

Now I feel a bit absolved from that guilt.
At least that one.
I know now Atlantis was not the "perfect" honeymoon spot.
It was not our perfect honeymoon spot.
There were kids.
There were families.
There were teens and babies.
It was expensive.
It had bad service.
It had mediocre food.
I would have been disappointed.
(And I was a bit disappointed.)
Roger would have had to dealt with my disappointment.
And I would have probably felt an even crazier guilt.
And maybe even some regret that we went to Atlantis had a bad time and did not get to have a perfect honeymoon.
But our honeymoon was nice.
It was more than nice.
It was perfect for us.
It was relaxing.
It was romantic.
It was the Caribbean.
And it was far away.

Now, the birthday weekend itself was exactly what I needed.
I accomplished a set of goals for the weekend.
First, it was relaxing.
The water was great.
The pools were nice.
The sun was awesome.
My travel partner, my twin, Nicolle, was great.
We celebrated our husbands.
We celebrated our accomplishments over the last month or so.

Second, I took on the water slides.
This was one of the primary reasons Roger wanted to go here.
The boy loved water slides.
It had one of the largest water slides (in the Caribbean?).
It is called the Leap of Faith, a seven story plunge into a shark infested pool (riders are not in the pool but go through the pool in a safe acrylic tube).
And both Nicolle and I took our turns down the slide.
Yes, we screamed but if we can survive this "situation", we could and did survive a measly water slide.

And like most of the holidays and anniversaries I have experienced thus far, it was not as bad as I expected.
I am starting to learn this lesson slowly.
It is the before and after that sucks the breathe away.
I only cried once during the actual birthday.
I thought a lot.
I remembered a lot.
I walked down memory lane a lot.
Nicolle and I asked each other silly questions.
We compared notes on dating, wedding planning, (short) marriages, and widow-ness.
In that way, it was a great vacation.
In most ways, it was a great vacation.

It was what I needed.
It did answer a lot of questions.
And thankfully, no more guilt.

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