Saturday, August 1, 2009

Day 1...

... of August is done.

And of course I survived.
I felt blah.
I slept until almost noon.
And I almost took a nap.
I did not shower.
I wore super comfy clothes and almost did not wear a bra.
My hair is pulled back.

I still felt myself sitting around with my eyes glazing over.
Thinking all damn day.
Thinking about this.
Thinking about that.
Getting lost inside my head.

Almost a damn year.
A whole year?
How the hell!
How. The. Hell.
So long ago.
Yet so yesterday.

The worst thing was realizing that I have almost been unmarried for a whole year.
Twelve months.
Double the amount we were actually married.
A whole year of being a widow.
Not married.

I met someone yesterday that has only been married ten months.
I could not help but think "Oh, you got married after I had become unmarried."
I had not really had that thought before.
This kept running through my head even more today.
There are people who have been married in the time I have been unmarried.
Yes, this should be obvious but it was strange.

Today, I tried to remember what Roger looked like naked.
And I cannot remember.
And of course I do not have pictures of this.
I know he was hairy but otherwise, I cannot recall him.
This is disturbing.

I remembered strange memories.
Like last August one of the local grocery chains was closing.
So we bought eight boxes of cereal.
And tampons.
And taco seasoning.

I also realized I was not crying every day for a few months until about a few days ago.
Now I am back to tearing up almost every day.
Sometimes it is when I remember things.
Sometimes when I think about this month.
And sometimes for a reason or two I cannot determine.

The good news is one day down, only thirty more to go.
Just thirty more to go.


Ralph said...

I almost didn't leave a comment. I usually don't, but I will...

The thought of Roger naked, not a thought I would want to picture but, I'll leave that one to you.

Days do come and go and some are harder than others. I unfortunately did not spend all my time with him, but I'm not sure if i would have, two hard headed people in one room and family, Ooof! But nun the less, my cousin, my brother. We agreed to disagree and we disagreed to agree! I loved it!
All we have is time and memories. The time is there to grow from our memories, and our memories so that time does not slip from us again.

As "A DATE" arrives we must remind ourselves of those moments. Moments of happiness and of course sadness. Moments of laughter and cheers. Moments of... well just moments.
Yes a year is almost come and after will be 2 and so on... What we need to do, for those who are left behind is to make those memories and moments as memorable as possible.
Of course one of those moments was your wedding! One, what an honor to be part of that entourage, if you will... I wouldn't have missed that for the world! Two, to welcome another member into our family, and Three, we'll leave it at that.

Times will come that you may ask your self how did I get here, but a time will come that you WILL ask your self "What and where from here?" Well, what and where is, well, it is!

Love ya
Your Cuz,

Roads said...

Don't worry -- you'll remember. In time, when this time has passed safely by.

Sometimes it's the trying to remember too hard which makes it difficult. That's why you can remember the unlikely stuff, like your shopping list. It'll all come back, when you relax again.