Wednesday, August 19, 2009

How Am I Doing?

So as I approach the next big day, Roger's burial, I am being asked "How are you doing?"
How am I doing?
Man, I wish I knew a simple one word answer to that.

I am weepy again.
I cry randomly.
I cry at things that do not require tears.
I cry more than appropriate at things.

Memories are flooding my memory.
Roger is constantly on my mind.
Almost every guy I talk about is now named Roger in any stories I tell.

The replay of the accident is strong again.
The images.
The feelings.
The questions of why and how.
The analyzing of the scene.
The anger of the driver.
Does he realize what this weekend is?
Does he even care?

And then there is a sense of dread.
Followed by a sense of "let's just get this done."
I want this month over.
I want the burial to be over.
I just want to be done.
Can I just fast forward through the part where I watch them place dirt on my husband's ashes?

The thinking.
The wondering of was Roger a dream?
The wondering of is this a really bad nightmare?
The thoughts of fate.
The thoughts of God's plan.

I still have such an amazing support system.
I have lots of friends keeping me in their prayers.
In their thoughts.
And I sincerely appreciate it.
Do not stop now.

So I do not know how I am really doing.
I am keeping myself busy.
I have traveled every weekend this month.
I am seeing movies each week.
I am reading.
I am volunteering.
I am working on projects around the house.
I am cooking.

I ask for positive vibes for this weekend.


Anonymous said...

Wishing you whatever you need.

LisaC said...

My husband died Sept 17th, 2008 from injuries suffered in a car accident on August 29th. I've been dreading the next few weeks like the plague.

I get it. Wishing you peace.