Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Catch 22

Today I finished my associates degree in education.
This was not my original plan when Roger was still alive.
My original plan went out the window when he died like most plans I had.
Like every single plan I had.
I was not even going into teaching when he was here.
I was just getting a piece of paper to have a piece of paper.
A piece of paper in health care administration.
Something to shove into the faces of those that doubted my abilities.
Something to further my career and perhaps help me really find a job I loved.

And I am happy that it is done.
I really am.
And I am proud of myself.
I really am.

But I want to call him.
I want to hug him.
I want to hear him say "I am proud of you" in front of me not inside my head.
I know he would be.
I truly know that if there is an after life and all that he is rooting for me.
But that is not satisfying my craving for his pride.
His love.
His hug.
His looking at me with a big cheesy smile.

If he was still here, I would not be here.
I would be somewhere else.
I would not be finished today.
I would not be finishing with education.
I still had a while to go with my part time school status.
I would still be plugging away at that.

But yet with his death, I got a new opportunity.
Yes, it is great that I am making a positive out of a negative.
Blah blah blah.
But there is still this feeling in my stomach that wishes I still had him instead.
Instead of having my AA in education, I would rather have him.
Knowing that without him gone, I am accomplishing goals.
Knowing that he died, so now I can do these things.

Then there is the whole thing of it is just an AA.
Who cares.
It is not that big of a deal.
And this nagging voice that says "It took you long enough."

But then I think about the day when Ms. Pat Duncan standing in her office at the Governor's School in Dublin, Virginia on a fall day back in 1997 told the sixteen year old me I would never become anything.
Maybe it is her voice that is nagging me.
And I say to her "Look at me now."
Look at everything I have overcome.
Look at everything I have become.
Maybe not in the traditional way.
Maybe not going the same route as most people.
But I have done a lot.
I am a lot.
And I will be a lot.

So to my dear husband.
So to my best friend.
So to the man who helped me in so many ways that I have discovered and that I will discover.
Thank you! Thank you for keeping your promise of providing for me even in your death.
Thank you for not making me cash in that new savings bond.
I still love you.
I will always love you.
I will try to be happy in this catch 22.
I will try not to focus on the pain.
Thank you.


Joanne said...

Star, congratulations on all of your accomplishments in life. I'm glad to know you and excited to see all the new accomplishments to come. :)

Rick said...


Many hugs to you ((Star))

netekay said...

Yeah yeah yeah! What an accomplishment! Congratulations!!!!!!

Katie said...

Congrats on obtaining your AA! I remember people laughed at me when I told them I was going to walk for my AA... it may have been funny to them, but to me it was a huge accomplishment! I too had a teacher tell me that I would become nothing if I went to Valencia and after I finished I wanted to go back to prove to her that I did it.... and then after my BA I really wanted to go back and show her I did it, and to thank her for not believing in me! I'm proud of you Star! :)