Sunday, August 30, 2009

Over a Year...

I am finally past the year mark.
Finally.
I made it.
Not alone.
With lots of support.
With lots of distraction.

I found the times I were completely alone were unbearable.
But once people were around, I was okay.
As long as no one hugged me for too long.
As long as I did not think of why people were around me.

But then on Saturday morning, as I breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.
I took a big deep breathe.
And then as I let the breathe escape, I realized something a little bothersome.
It is now "over a year" since my husband died.
I am been unmarried for over a year.
I have been a widow for over a year.
Roger has been gone over a year.

I am not sure if this feels better or worse.
Over a year!

And it does not feel right.
How could he have been gone so long?
How could I have survived this long without him?

It is still not fair.
It is still not right.

This anniversary was awful.
All the other holidays.
All the other anniversaries.
None of them compared.
I thought I was worrying for nothing.
But it was hard.
It was awful.
It was horrid.
It hurt.

And now what?
What happens now?
Where do I go from here?

2 comments:

Suddenwidow said...

You keep moving forward. You are a great inspiration to all of us who are also trying to survive this journey. I'm betting we never stop asking ourselves "how have I survived this long without him?". But we do, keeping our loves in our hearts.

Roads said...

My husband died a year ago.

That's a watermark. It doesn't feel different now, but it sounds it, just a little.

That's almost unfair, really, just when you're in the deepest depths of remembering.

But it's how it works. We can't turn the clock back. There's no choice but to rock it forwards.

Good on yer.