Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Crappy day returns

I knew it had to end.
I knew it would be sooner than I wanted.
And two weeks of riding the wave of feeling good ended yesterday.

The most frustrating part is I could not control it.
I am still struggling tremendously with this inability to control my emotions (and life) and dealing with the fact that I cannot control them.

The day started out with not being able to get out of bed.
I just could not.
I felt just so mentally and physically exhausted.
I slept on and off until 10am.
But the bad part is that I have not been sleeping well for a few nights in a row now.
Some nights related to just staying up late and some nights related to the inability to get sleepy enough to actually fall asleep.
And of course, several studies have been done to prove that sleep is related to mood and irritation level.
In my own little study of sleeping five to six hours a night repeatedly and waking up randomly throughout the night, I have to concur.

The next frustrating and I-want-to-cry event was shopping at Target.
Seriously, I should want to cry over this.
And I know logically this was not a big deal.
But grief is not always logical if ever.
My Target is being remodeled.
So nothing is in the normal place.
And I just wanted a cute St. Patty's day shirt to wear.
But for some reason the women's clothing section was the size of a pea.
And I just could not fathom not having a green t-shirt to wear.
And I especially could not fathom that my Target was not complying with me.
Again, not logical.

After lunch, I went to class.
Not a big deal.
However, I did not do my reading homework.
I felt so ill-prepared.
I also discovered I am eight points away from the perfect score.
Now if I was logical, I would be ecstatic about this.
But yesterday, I was not logical.
I kept focusing on the fact I was not perfect.
That I had screwed up. And eight points out of 208.
This would not bother a normal person.
I am not normal. At least not yesterday.

Last night, I went to a friend's house for a St. Patty's day celebration.
One that I suggested and so I felt obliged to go.
I left my house and realized as I was driving that I did not even know where the party was. I knew the general location but not the address nor had I mapped it. I got the directions from Jody but I felt more annoyed with myself.

And I needed to get sides which I could not even think of.
Sides for a BBQ... now I can think of about twenty but yesterday I could think of none.
Then there were the logistics of getting to his house.
First, I needed to pick up a cooler that I left at another friend's house. However, they live in two very different neighborhoods and very different neighborhoods from me.
I also left right as everyone was going home from work.
I hit every traffic light as it turned red.
I just felt like I could not get there.
I also still needed those damn sides.
I was trying to figure out which grocery store would be the most logical.
I remembered there was a Publix near where I was picking up the cooler.

This is not the cool Publix with the cool deli section.
They do not have the possible side section in their deli.
I stood in the deli section just staring.
Perhaps trying to conjure up this deli section.
I was panicking as I was trying to figure out what to do instead.
I picked up some cold salad type things but I felt deflated.
This is not what I wanted to bring. I wanted to be a cool guest with cool sides.

So I thought "Hey, I'll bring those infamous extremely frosted shortbread cookies."
Everyone loves them.
They are fabulous.
So I headed to the bakery section.
Disappointment again!
I think I circled the bakery about six times trying to locate them or make them magically appear.
"Maybe I should go to another Publix."
But I felt like I had already wasted so much time.
So the deflated me left with my annoying sides and chocolate chips cookies.

I picked up the cooler and then realized I was not sure how to get to the party location in the shortest most direct way. I also forgot to ask my friend Sean.
It was rush hour and I was not sure which way would have the least amount of traffic.

I choose wrong.
I went to a semi-big roadway and again got stopped at every single traffic light.
And every slow driver in Orlando decided to drive in the left lane.
Below the speed limit.

Finally at the party I arrived.
I drank a Heineken (Roger's beer of choice) and thankfully was surrounded by good friends to help me forget the day.

However, now I feel like I am in neutral.
Neither good nor bad.
Just blah.
Just here.


I am Sarah... said...

I have been following your blog...and thinking alot about you. My husband died in March of last year, so I know how deeply you are hurting. But you will be surpised at how strong you really are, and you will get through will take alot of tears, but one day the sun will shine again, although it seems rather bleak at this moment.

I do think of you daily, I pray for you...

Jen said...

I just found your blog by a comment you made in someone else's blog- and I knew I shouldn't click on it, since one of my worst fears-well ok my worst, is losing my husband. We'll have been married 2 yrs in June, and it's a fear that's only gotten worse. Can I just tell you- that reading your story has made me appreciate just a little bit more,everything about him. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face and my heart is just aching for you and with you. I always pray for people in ambulances when they rush by me, and your story is exactly why- it's someone real in there, and their life just might be changing forever. Please know that your story of pain, and determination, has touched me so profoundly, and I'll try that much harder to never take anyone for granted again. May God be with you.