Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Fake or Real?

The thing about grief, or at least my grief, is that all my "rules" about life are shattered.
Everything I learned about how life worked and what happened in life in the first twenty-seven years of my life are gone.
They died the day Roger died.  
Karma? Yeah, that does not exist. 
Cars only get T-boned at intersections? Nope, not true.
Miracles will happen to good people? Nope, not true either.
Justice? Yeah, not the way I thought it worked.

So hence, I have become paranoid.
About everything.
Weird lump on my breast? It is probably cancer.
Gadget is not being social? She is probably dying.
Someone is helping me financially? They probably want money.
Someone is extra nice to me? They probably just feel sorry for me.

The worst part of this is I do not feel I can trust a lot of people.  Or even most people.
I observe people from all angles.
I stalk them on facebook, myspace, and in person.
I analyze their emails.  I watch them as they talk to me.
I re-read their texts.  
I watch them around other people.  
Do they treat me the same as them?
It is quite an exhausting chore.  

The other thing that is annoying is I feel some people are afraid to be "normal" to me.
They are afraid to make me cry.
They are afraid to hurt my feelings.
So instead they are not real with me.
Maybe they pretend to be my friend.
Or maybe they pretend to be interested in me and my well-being.
Or maybe they make promises they can not keep or do not intend to keep.
All because they are afraid of me.  

The worst of the paranoia is with people I think are my good friends.  
Or are they my good friends?
Are they sick of me?
Are they really there for me?
Or are they just afraid of me?
Do they get together behind my back and talk about me?
Are they just waiting for the opportunity to show their true feelings?
Did they just insert themselves in the drama and now are bored of it?  

For some people, I do believe that is true.
However, it is exhausting to figure out which are real and which are fake. 


Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Holly said...

You know the funny thing is that now all of your friends who read this are going to be paranoid that you think they are the fake friend! But seriously, we all love you, we're not afraid of you, and we're here for you. In a world full of cubic zirconias, try to just trust that all your friends are true diamonds in the rough. I've met most of them and I think they are all fabulous people.

Edlyn said...

Hey you...I must admit that I relate to this post quite a bit. When I was in college and in a sorority, I used to think this exact same way. It was a tough way of living, added a ton of extra stress on me, and I ended up pusing out tons of good people away from me in an attempt to find the fakers, or as Holly stated "Cubic zirconias".

Anyway, once I noticed this, I was able to accept it and pull some of these people back. While my story is I'm sure an extreme,I now try to not sweat the small stuff and make myself realize that the good/bad will come out eventually in every person and that I just needed to have faith. As hard as nails as it has been for me to do, I have to have faith in others and in me. It was tough and still is as I try to fight the old part of me that trys to pull out the magnifying glass and analyze the double meaning in e-mails, et cetera - but what can I say, I'm only human and old habits die hard.

Anyway, my point to you is that you are not alone in these thoughts. They creep up from constantly being challenged in life by constant hurdles, etc. My thoughts held me back from great things, and relationships, even kept me from bringing out the best qualities in me and I don't want that to happen to you. Don't let it take you there! You, dear Star are a great and loving person who shouldn't hold back that beautiful light within. =)

At some point we get burned and go through the paranoia because of it. I at least think this is normal!!! At one point, when you start to feel alone...really alone because these thoughts will lead you to that, you need to empower yourself with the fact that you are loved.

While I may not live by you or speak to you very often, I care for you and look forward to hopefully building a strong friendship with you in the future.

Be strong over there and have faith...let that darkness go and let your bright light within you shine out. Listen to Holly's comment because she's right, and then when you can give me a buzz sometime. =)