Sunday, October 26, 2008

Rings Schmings

So many rings in my house and in my life.
I have my engagement ring.
My wedding ring.
Roger's wedding ring.
Lots of fake rings.
Not to mention all the mental rings and loops that I do inside my head.

My engagement ring and wedding ring I adore.
I can't imagine not wearing them.
I vowed I'd wear them for the rest of our lives.
I realize that "our lives" is over but how can I not.
They are just beautiful.
They were my gift.
My engagement ring a promise of marriage.
My wedding ring a promise of forever.

I had to move them to my right hand.
They were falling off my left hand.
Feels a little weird not to have them there.
Not to see them there.
But I kept seeing people stare at my left hand (of course lots of people just stare at me to try to observe me I think).
And it got annoying.
And I guess that's where widow's are "suppose" to wear them, right?
Divorcees and widows I think.
Now they are starting to slide around on that finger.
If you want to loose a lot of weight, try the lose-your-husband diet.
It works wonders on cravings and remembering to eat.

I had been wearing Roger's wedding ring on my left thumb.
That boy had small fingers and I have/had fat fingers.
I loved seeing it there on my hand.
When we were in the ER, I kept asking for it.
I just had to have it with me.
It made me feel safe.
It made me feel like it was one of the last things I had of him.
I am not sure what to do with it and I wasn't sure how long I should/could wear it.
Yesterday, as I was bent over, it fell off.
My heart sank.
"Yes dear. I'll put it away."
I do have it tattooed on me now. So its always there.
Now, it will sit on my nightstand till I truly figure out what to do with it again.

Before the Halloween party, I was looking through drawers trying to organize them.
Yes, a bit OCD but I had noticed a lot of junk in the drawers and I felt like some of my drawers were really out of whack.
In one of the three junk drawers, I found these cupcake plastic rings.
The rings that cake decorators put on top for children to put on their hands after they finish their cupcakes.
I don't remember when Roger gave me these rings.
I know it was very early on in our relationship.
He gave me two.
And I kept them of course.
And at midnight the other night in the midst of organizing, I saw them.
Red rings with a rainbow on top.
In a drawer with the rubber bands, chip clips, and sharpie.
And I can't throw them away.
Probably a 2 cent ring (if that) and I can't throw it away.

I also have one of these threatening engagement rings in my car.
(Roger threatened many times to propose as I have mentioned.)
It is from when we were in an aracade in Daytona I think.
Roger got a bunch of tickets from playing a game and got me a ring.
It looks like one of those friendship bracelets from middle school.
Its bright neon yellow.
Roger had one too cause I wasn't wearing that thing by myself.
I keep in in my car and again, now I'm not sure what to do with it.

And of course there are the rings and loops I do about everything.
Running around and around the accident.
The hospital experience.
The death experience.
Do I do the right things?
Did I ask the right questions?
Was there anything at all that could have changed to make the outcome different?

All these rings...

No comments: