Sunday, October 12, 2008

Roger wasn't suppose to be first

I think about this a lot.
A whole lot.
It is kind of a sick thought.
But, I never really thought Roger would be first.
I thought I would die first.
With six years difference between us, I figured at least it would be about the same.

Roger was strong.
Roger was healthy.
He only drank rarely.
I think the last time was a couple of days before his birthday.
He just had a heineken and I'm not even sure he finished it.
Before that, I think maybe he had a beer at our July 4th party.
And before that, our wedding day.
In this year, I don't even think he could have finished a six pack if you added them all together.

Roger didn't smoke.
He didn't do drugs.
I don't think he ever even tried these things.

Roger went to the gym.
All the time.
Or if not the gym, at least upstairs in his workout area or walking to Publix.

He did what he was supposed to do.
He followed doctor's orders and read fitness magazines.
He was suppose to live a really, really long time.

If life was fair, Roger would have only had some minor injuries in the accident like me.
Why couldn't the accident have only broken his leg?
Or his elbow?
Or, ok, both his leg & his elbow?
But why couldn't it have stopped there?

If life was fair, there would be no way I was only suffering minor injuries and Roger was close to death.
At the scene, when I first saw Roger I thought he was just knocked unconscious.
I thought I could pull him out of it.
It wasn't until I touched his face and saw the blood on my hand that I realized how bad things were.
The EMT who treated me also told me that the accident was really bad.
But why that bad?

Why wasn't Roger strong enough?
Why did I not have more injuries?
Roger was stronger than me.
Roger was more fit than me.
Roger was nicer than me.



Teri said...

I'm sorry sweetie :( It sounds like the survivor's guilt is really rough on you right now. It so hard to even begin to wrap one's mind around the senselessness of what happened...send you a big e-hug.

Kitty Bear said...

I ask myself a similar question any time someone I know, passes away. I think those kinds of questions are inevitable at some point.

Here's another big **e-hug** to get through 'em.