Friday, July 31, 2009

Ten More Minutes

In ten more minutes, I will be thrusted into August.
Pushed against my will.
Time is not being nice to me today.
Why must it be August already?
Can August just be skipped entirely?
Can I sleep through August?
Can it please be September instead?
Please. Please. Please.
Just so I can say I survived.
Just so I can say it is over.
Just to be done.

Tonight, my twin celebrated her husband's 30th birthday.
She did a wonderful job putting together a nice party for him.
It was one of the few things she had to go through something first between the two of us.
The first husband's birthday after passing away.
My turn is a week away.
In this awful month of August.

Roger would be 35.
Roger will never see 35.
Or 40.
Or 50.
Or 75.
Or any other age except through people remembering him.

I just want to burrow my head into the sand.
I just want to pretend none of this ever happened.

This just sucks.
It hurts.
It does not seem real.
I just want the pain to go away.
I just want to see him alive and well.
See him smile.
See him laugh.

And now, as I wrote this entry, it has become August.
August is here.
August has invaded.
Let the fight/survival begin...


Anonymous said...

Just know, Star, you have an army behind you on your battle with August. Many like myself don't even know you, but we are here.

Sleep well,

Charlie said...

I'm so sorry Star. Thinking of you and the difficult dates ahead. But you will get through them with your strong, positive will. I know words can't make it all better for you, but I'm sending positive vibes and a virtual hug your way.

Chillin' with Lemonade said...

I hate August, too! And 2008! thinking of you!