Yes, I am dating.
Yes, I am in school.
Yes, I feel good for the most part at least a good majority of the time.
Yes, life moves forward.
That is life fortunately/unfortunately.
But some days I cannot help but feel like I am in a bad game of chutes and ladders.
Instead of enjoying married life, I slid back single-hood and now I have climbed back to dating life.
Instead Roger and I decorating my home together and planning parties, I am planning without him.
I am barely maintaining my home and only with the help of others.
And although Roger and I did not plan to have children for five years initially, I was thinking right before his death about maybe reconsidering when I was thirty.
To make a (semi) final decision about to be or not to be.
I did not get a chance to talk to him about it.
To be or not to be was decided for me.
And now, I will be thirty in a year.
And I am not where I ever imagined.
And especially where I thought I would be at almost thirty.
A few days ago, the wife of one of Roger's coworkers had a baby.
Roger really liked this coworker.
He talked about the potential he saw in him.
He talked about what a nice guy he was.
He talked about hanging out with him outside of work.
He talked about how he could see himself in him.
And in the day and age of facebook, I saw pictures of this new family.
A picture of his wife.
A picture of the baby.
And one picture that I cannot get out of my head.
This coworker and the his new baby.
His first child.
Tears were in his eyes.
And then in mine.
I can only imagine what kind of father Roger would have been.
I can only imagine the look of pride on his face.
And as I stared at the picture on my computer screen, I could see the same face on Roger.
The potential tears in his eyes.
Sigh... I hate this...