Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Chutes and Ladders

Yes, I am dating.
Yes, I am in school.
Yes, I feel good for the most part at least a good majority of the time.
Yes, life moves forward.
That is life fortunately/unfortunately.

But some days I cannot help but feel like I am in a bad game of chutes and ladders.
Instead of enjoying married life, I slid back single-hood and now I have climbed back to dating life.
Instead Roger and I decorating my home together and planning parties, I am planning without him.
I am barely maintaining my home and only with the help of others.
And although Roger and I did not plan to have children for five years initially, I was thinking right before his death about maybe reconsidering when I was thirty.
To make a (semi) final decision about to be or not to be.
I did not get a chance to talk to him about it.
To be or not to be was decided for me.
And now, I will be thirty in a year.
And I am not where I ever imagined.
Ever.
And especially where I thought I would be at almost thirty.

A few days ago, the wife of one of Roger's coworkers had a baby.
Roger really liked this coworker.
He talked about the potential he saw in him.
He talked about what a nice guy he was.
He talked about hanging out with him outside of work.
He talked about how he could see himself in him.
And in the day and age of facebook, I saw pictures of this new family.
A picture of his wife.
A picture of the baby.
And one picture that I cannot get out of my head.
This coworker and the his new baby.
His first child.
Tears were in his eyes.
And then in mine.

I can only imagine what kind of father Roger would have been.
I can only imagine the look of pride on his face.
And as I stared at the picture on my computer screen, I could see the same face on Roger.
The potential tears in his eyes.

Sigh... I hate this...

1 comment:

Justin said...

The up's and down's of life, I have to say "Chutes and Ladders" is a pretty good way to define it.
I think, at least in part, I can understand what your talking about, but my perspective is somewhat different of course.
To see a child walk, then run, jump and then crawl through a playground, get on a bike and ride up and down a street. Seeing these things brings some joy knowing that child is having the time of it's life just doing what any average human can do. However this also provokes a sadness in me, knowing that these things even a child can do, things I used to do, I can no longer, confined to a wheelchair to just be able to watch humanity "walk" on by me.
The sadness was the old me, many years have gone by, I have matured much, and with good friends and family around, I don't let what I can't do get to me, the good in life has out weighed the bad.

Hang in there Star, tears can wiped away.