A Small Gain

The other day I lost some IMs.

It was devastating.

I was heartbroken.

I accepted the loss.

Last night I was doing my dreaded alone task - the bills.

I remembered I also wanted to send a card to a friend for her birthday.

"Where is her address? Oh, I have it in the wedding guest list spreadsheet."

I plugged in an external hard drive.

It was not in my section so I went to Roger's section.

I found the spreadsheet.

I found the address.

Instead of just finishing up my bills and starting some homework, I kept exploring the hard drive.

I opened his "TWC" section from his old work computer.

I gasped.

A folder called "IM Logs".

I quickly opened it.

A different time period than I lost.

But it was a gain.

It was something.

December 2006 to March 2007.

Right after we were engaged.

Right after I moved in with him.

Almost three years ago.

It was great to "hear" his voice.

To see our jokes.

Instead of "I love you" we said "You love me" a lot.

His "I feel much better now" after going to the bathroom.

"Pobrecita" [Poor girl] to me for everything under the sun.

His sunglassed smiley face.

Three hours later I had read all 173 pages.

I gained something else too.

A new prospective.

On me.

Wow.

I have changed. Thankfully.

I am such a different person.

Every part of in my life was shifting.

I was engaged.

I was moving in with a boy.

And I was freaking out. At everything.

Man, Roger was so very patient.

So very very patient.

Thankfully.

I also read his IMs to other people.

I felt a little bad invading his privacy but I just could not get enough of his "voice".

I needed to "hear" him.

Thank you, dear, for being so patient with me.

I know I have said it before, but thank you for helping me.

Thank you for fixing me.

Thank you for your numerous gifts before and after your death.

I love you.