Thursday, October 15, 2009

I See Him

This happened a lot staring when I was around ten after my grandmother died.
She had been a daily part of my life growing up until I was about nine.
Then she went on vacation to Tennessee and ended up staying.
When she died, I did not believe she was really dead.
I just thought she did not love us anymore.
She did not want to be part of our family.
I thought she was angry with me for some reason.
I would see her everywhere, alive.

I would see her in the grocery store.
I would see the back of her head at the mall.
I even saw her into my early twenties.
She was in Florida.
She was in New York.
She was everywhere.

Now, I see Roger.
And not exactly him.
I see versions of him.
Or people who remind me a lot of him.
Almost making me look a third time (because I always look twice).

There is one boy in the classroom I have been observing and teaching.
He has longish blond hair (Roger was blond as a kid).
He wears glasses.
He is skinny.
He is fair skinned with light eyes.

The first day I taught my first lesson, I was gathering my things together.
I heard someone ask "Can I help you?"
I ignored the voice thinking it was two students talking.
He asked again.
It was my Roger look-a-like.
"Of course you can."

I also see "Roger" on campus.
Yesterday in my physical science class he was sitting in front of me diagonally.
It was his nose.
I saw it from the side and new it was him.
I leaned forward just to make sure.

I see him walking.
He was in front of me a few days ago.
I recognized his strut.
I laughed.
I could "see" him.

I saw him again today in a classroom I was observing.
He was not interested in school.
He was sleepy.
He was still skinny and growing out his hair.
He kept pulling it down on the sides.
I wanted to say "Stop that! It looks better when you do not do that."
But I did not.

And a few nights ago when Mr. X was spending the night, Roger was laying next to me.
I said something to Mr. X and he responded quickly "Otay".
I was shocked.
I had to have misheard him.
I asked him to repeat.
He said "Okay."
"Is that what you said before?"
"I said 'Otay' before."
I freaked out a bit.

He is always there.
Around the corner.
In the eyes of a stranger.
In the walk of a student.

1 comment:

Mars Girl said...

Man. I feel like I'm reading my own blog. Except I've never wrote about this on my blog before, I dont think. I always, still, think I see Mike passing in a crowd somewhere. Freaks me out. This one time, I was staying at a hotel in Colorado, and the manager was the spitting image of Mike--his mannerisms, his jokes, his way of looking at me. Ugh. Sometimes I've had the paranoid thought that Mike faked his death to get away from me... Death does weird things to the brain.