People never know what to say.
And I get that.
I do not even know what to say.
I tell people about my husband dying last year and then they say "I'm sorry for your loss" and then I do not know what to say after that.
Quick change of subject? "Thanks"? "Yeah, it's okay"?
A lot of weird stuff.
Sometimes stupid stuff.
Last week, I was talking to my twin and she told me a story of how someone said to her "God needed him more."
I had to laugh.
Realy, God needed one human so much that said human had to die and come to heaven?
Now, let's look at some of this logic.
God is all knowing, all powerful, beyond time, etc.
So why would God need anyone?
Why would God need one specific person?
God needed a specific skill that the dead person had?
Doesn't said person's wife or husband or family need said person more?
Aren't humans the ones who need people?
Can't humans do more good on earth alive than when dead?
I mean, yeah, dead people can give up their organs and such but...
I realize this person was just trying to say something.
Say something comforting.
Trying to rationalize a horrible thing.
But if God needs someone what does that say about His abilities?
But I guess it goes back to the old saying: "It is the thought that counts" but I cannot help but think if people really do need to think before they say something.
The best thing to say: "I am sorry for your loss."
"I am sorry that you had to go through a horrible thing."
Because beyond that, there is nothing.
Especially telling me or any widow or widower that God needed their spouse more than them.
I needed Roger.
I needed him more.
5 comments:
You are expressing the very same thoughts I had about that phrase. I guess really religious people find that one comforting.
Here are some of my favorite stupid comments from people who didnt know what to say:
The HR lady at my job upon my return to work after two weeks of unpaid leave: "Well, life is for the living."
Said by some inconsiderate fool as I stood over my husband's casket at the wake: "Don't worry. You're young. You'll find love again."
!!!
My favorite saying, which I use to keep myself from saying stupid things to grieving people is, "If you dont know what to say, just say nothing."
"I'm so sorry to hear that" works fine too.
Oh, wait, I forgot another stupid comment: "Mike was put in your life for a specific reason and he fulfilled it."
AS IF the whole purpose of his 32-years was to do something to advance me spiritually, and then once he had done that, he had to die. And what makes me so wonderful that someone was put into my life to teach me something--and only to teach me something--and then die???!!?!?! And, is my life really just here to help someone else in their life journey and, once fulfilled, I will have to die too??
!!!
WHATEVER.
Ugh. I hate that phrase. And I can say, as a "religious person" I hate that phrase. It's just a way of putting our own human needs on God and trying to make things "all better". A bunch of Bologna, I think. Someone should write a book about with all the things people say.
I get the "you're young. you'll find someone" alot. I also got the "yep, that'll do it" when I told someone how my husband died. it almost makes me laugh now...almost.
It seems I feel at a loss for words every time I just want to call you. It really is difficult to convey how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I know I wanna be there for you. And I know that what you need most is support. But the distance prevents me from being there to spend some time with you and since I cannot possibly say anything that would be of comfort I'm left feeling helpless. What I can offer is to remind you that I love you very much. And I think about you often. I hope you know that if you ever need anything I am here for you. I heard a song that partly reminds me of you. I think some parts fit. Others might not. It's titled Love Lives On by Mallary Hope.
Love, Dee
I am beginning to think that I should write a book about the stupid things people say.
My least favorite is "He's in a better place now and doesn't hurt anymore." All I can think is does God hate me so much as to put me in hell with this gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be? I would express these thoughts to the idiots who say this horrendous thing to me but, I'd never escape.
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