Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Little White...

The vain part of me was really scared of the grieving process.
What was it going to do to my body?
How was the stress going to affect me?
Of course, I lost lots of weight which was good for me.
But I was worried about the wrinkles.
I was worried aging.
How would I look in two years?
Five years?
Vain, I know.

I had seen other people who aged for various reasons.
Workaholics who aged ten years over a the span of a two year project.
Parents who aged in two years to look five years older.

And I knew grief would be really stressful.
And it is.
It is exhausting.
It is a job in itself.
And I was afraid of how I would start to look.

And why?
Simply because I knew I would eventually start to date again.
I would need to look pretty.
I would need to be attractive.

C'mon, I have a lot of baggage.
I could not look ten years older and have this sort of baggage.

Fortunately, grief has not had too much of a negative toll on my body.
The weight loss was a positive thing.
It did do some weird things with my menstrual cycle.
And my taste buds.
But I do not see anymore wrinkles than would naturally occur.
People even mistake me for being a lot less than I am.

But then last week I discovered something.
One little something.
One little white hair.
At the top of my scalp, it was staring at me.
It was reflecting light back at me in the mirror.

I have always told myself (and my hair dresser) that I would not start dying my hair till I had some greys.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Yes, people have greys at a lot younger age.
Maybe I will wait till there are two or more.

I blame grief.
Damn you, grief.
Damn you.


Mars Girl said...

Oh my god!! My first gray hair appeared during the first year of my husband's death too!! And I blamed grief as well! (I'm sure it was.) Though I kept telling people that I earned that gray hair.

Now I have a lot of little gray hairs. It's like when one comes, they just grow like crazy.

Crash Course Widow said...

See, I found my first gray hair when I was 18, almost 19. Just one, but considering my dad was almost totally gray by the time he was 30 and was full-on silver by 40, I was screwed anyway. So I started dyeing my hair early. But I definitely got a hell of a lot more the first year or two after Charley died. Thank goodness for hair dye and that mine is basically all just right above my ears, so as long as I keep my hair shorter (and thus can't pull any of it back) it's not noticeable. And at least my 2 older sisters (3 yrs and 16 yrs older) have more--way more in my 48yo sister's case--than I do! So my amount might have jumped due to widowhood--or at least I like to claim so--but at least it hasn't pushed me past my 35yo sister's grayness. ;o)

I lost a bunch of weight (due to illness) right before Charley died and lost a little bit more after he died. I looked better than I'd looked in years and years, and as miserable as I was in grief, it did help me feel better to know that I looked better. But then grief after the first 1-2 years set in and my weight has since run the gamut...and unfortunately it hasn't taken many dips downward. I don't like it much but I tell myself there are far worse things.

Poo, you gray hair on Star's head! Go away, and don't come back (and certainly don't bring any of your little friends)! ;o)