Thursday, December 3, 2009

Low

When I am distracted, I am fine.
I appear okay.
I can get through the day.
I can get through life.

When I am not distracted,
I am not.
I am low.
Lots of tears.
Lots of sadness.

My confidence is low.
Very very low.
Shaky at best.

I am so afraid people do not like me.
I am afraid of people leaving me.
Even my closest friends.
I interpret everything as an act against me.
As if people are avoiding me.
I have to keep assuring myself I am loved.
And my confidence is fading, quickly.

I am so afraid of becoming fat again.
Since hurting my ankle, I have not been able to exercise.
So instead I eat.
And eat.
And eat.
I have gained back about five pounds.
And I know it is only five pounds but it really scares me.
I keep craving sweets and instead of being able to distract myself with exercise, I eat.
And my confidence is going down.

I am so afraid of the holidays.
I am trying to be happy.
I am trying to be excited.
I am trying to attend events to help me get into the spirit and listen to Christmas music but...
While shopping, I become overwhelmed.
I have no idea what people want.
I just feel low.
Very very low.

I know I should go back to counseling.
I plan on calling soon.
I promise.
Because I do not like feeling this shaky.
This unloved when I know its not true.
And this low.
I need me back.

3 comments:

andrea said...

Oh Star! wish I could come for a visit. Know you are thought of and loved this side of the ocean :)

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey there I found your blog through another that I read, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. You have every right to feel low and I get what you mean about the not excercising/eating more instead. Just take it slowly and get back to excercise when you can. Take care.
Rosie

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I think something's going around. The unconfidence virus. I've got it too.

Or it could just be my relief that November is over, but December really sucks. And I'm not feeling like retail therapy either.

But I'd buy you something. To remind you you're loved. What's on your list, lady?

X and a big HUG

Supa

P.S. You are gorgeous even with the 5 lbs.