Wednesday, December 2, 2009

"How Was Your Thanksgiving?"

This week I have been inundated with this question: "How was your Thanksgiving?"
What I cannot figure out is what people mean.
Are they asking how was MY Thanksgiving?
As in, was it hard for me? Did I do okay? Did I survive?
Was I sad?
Is it another one of those general greeting questions like "How are you?"

I want to say, "Good."
Because it was good.
I enjoyed myself.
I enjoyed seeing family and spending time with Grace.
And I really loved seeing all the babies and kids.
Such innocence and energy.

But it was a means of survival really.
It was still very very hard.
Remembering why I was not making the turkey.
Remembering why I was not in Orlando.
Looking at who was missing.
I want to say "I survived."

Just because I had a fun time and I smiled and I laughed does not mean I was not thinking about Roger.
Thinking about my empty roasting pan.
Wondering about the many, many "what ifs".

Upon my return to Orlando, I have been flooded with more reminders of what I do not have.
Many of my friends have celebrated or are celebrating their new family traditions with their mostly new husbands.
One friend just posted pictures of her first married Thanksgiving.
And her first Christmas tree.

Many people think that in grief, there is only one loss-the spouse.
But there is loss after loss after loss.
It continues forever.
Widows and widowers only learn how to cope and how to hide.

So I will say my Thanksgiving was good.
Because it was.
But it was also a reminder.
A reminder of everything that I have lost.

1 comment:

Roads said...

Another brilliant post. Just getting through the holidays is a huge achievement.

Most people don't understand that. But anyone who has been widowed in the past surely does. I wish you all the best for surviving Christmas. It's not easy at this time of year.