Yeah, This Sucks

I was doing okay.
All day.
Just another day.
Another holiday.
Not too bad.
Lots of memories but it was manageable all day.

Till about half an hour ago.
Then I went to crap.

I am not in Miami.
I decided to stay in Orlando.
Close to home.
Just in case I needed to run back to bed.
I am doing Christmas with Mr. X's family tomorrow.
Today was just a hang out alone day for the two of us.

I slept in.
I made a very small turkey.
In my roasting pan.
We watched some movies.
I played around on facebook.
All was "normal."

Then Grace called.
To tell me how family Christmas went.
I still have not been able to brave Christmas in Miami.
Maybe next year.
But distance wise, I am getting closer.
She talked about all the fun.
The stress of wrapping all the gifts.
The kids getting a visit from Santa.

And I lost it.

She talked about how people asked for me.
I could not stay on the phone.
I hate crying on the phone.
I even hate crying now.
I miss them.
I miss that part of Christmas.

One day I will go back for Christmas.
One day I will face it.

It is just hard now.
It is so incredibly hard this year.
I wish I had words to adequately describe this feeling.
Those who know know. Those that don't, hopefully will never.

No one except my sister and Grace have called.
Not that I am begging for callers.
I am not begging for callers.
Now if people call it will be because they read the blog.

It just sucks everyone off doing their own thing.
Having happy times.
Enjoying the holiday spirit.

Now I have started to doubt everything.
Are people really my friends?
Do people really love me?
Or are they just afraid to leave me?
Have I scared people into friendships with me?
Paranoia is the best friend of grief I think.
At least for me.

So a happy holiday to everyone.
I hope yours is better than mine.