Friday, May 8, 2009

2008 or 2009

I have mentioned before my confusion with time.
It has not got much better.
Time is still my biggest hurdle.

I can calculate in mere seconds how many months things have been if they happened after the accident.  
Last night someone mentioned how something occurred in October and then followed it with "that was eight months ago."
Since I am polite, I did not correct them but in my head I thought: "Hmm, nope. Eight months ago was August/early September."
And why can I do this math so fast, it all relates to when Roger died.  
I pretty much always know how many months ago that was.
And I can calculate pretty much anytime in between now and then in record time.  
It is a strange widow talent I think.

But then...
There is calculating things that happened before the accident.
I am almost always a year off.
In my head, it is still 2008.
"How long have you been back in Orlando?"
"Three years... oops, no, four years."
"How long have you been out of high school?"
"Ten years... no wait, eleven years."
I just cannot seem to remember that it is 2009.
Much less that it is half way through 2009.
It will be "interesting" to see what happens to me when it is 2010.  
And even weirder when it is 2018.  
But I cannot get too ahead of myself.
I must live in this moment and year.

The crazier thing is how 2011 (when I will graduate now) is only two years away.
Because in my head, I am still in 2008.
Which would been three years, not two.  
It just seems so far away to me.  
Of course, I also know how much can change in a matter of seconds.
And like some of the other widows in this "club", I do not want to make too many plans for the future.  
I know how quickly the "future" can change.  
How quickly the "future" can disappear.  

I cannot seem to either accept or realize the year has changed.
I am not sure which.  
I remember New Years Eve being the worst holiday of the season.  
I guess time will be an issue for me for a while.  

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