Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Decision Making

I am not indecisive. 
Quite the opposite actually.
But to the person sitting across from me at a restaurant or waiting for me to reply to the dreaded question "What do you want to do today?", it can seem like that is the case.
I, however, think I have issues deciding between an infinite number of possibilities.
If I have a list of choices, I can do it. 
"Do you want Thai, Indian, or Italian for dinner?"
I can make a choice.
But if the question is "What do you want for dinner?"
I have a hard time deciding.    

Well, at least that is how I used to be.
Now, and I know I am not alone, I have a hard time making decisions.
I just get so exhausted by it.
I get to/have to make all the decisions about my life now, about Roger's life, about this house, about the rental house, about what project to do, about what project not to do....
And not that I am not an independent person, but I get tired.

Decision making has improved over the last few months but I still find myself staring at things not knowing which thing to buy, which way to turn, or which direction I want to go.  

I miss having that second opinion.
I miss having shared responsibility.
Or just someone to discuss things with.
Even if I did not take his advice.  

I remember when Roger first died, I could not even decide what to eat.
I was not really hungry.
I did not want anything.
I did not crave anything.
A dear friend of mine would decide for me.
It was nice.
"What am I having for lunch today?"
"You are having a peanut butter and honey sandwich today. You like those."

I was finally accepting that I had a team mate.
A partner.
A person I could depend on 100% of the time.
But now, I am back to just me.
Standing up for myself.
Fighting for what I want.
But I am tired.
I am exhausted.

And some days, I just want someone to tell me what to do.
Even if I know I will rebel.


Anonymous said...

Yes, sometimes the decisions can seem endless.

What to do with the rest of your life?That's the biggest one, of course. But it's the weight of all the others which can seem to weigh you down.

But for now, the penne arabbiata is always pretty good.

Best wishes from London.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I hated this part, too. I think I felt the same way. It had been 15 years together!

Gradually I started to see how my LH and I actually made BAD decisions together. Now I'm thankful I get to make many decisions on my own (Mr. Fresh doesn't care about paint, furniture, stuff).

FWIW, they say no one can really choose from an open-ended list. 3 choices is optimal. For that, you're only human.

(Do try the penne, though).