Wednesday, May 27, 2009

9 Months

This should really be written tomorrow but I just want to get it out of my head.
I am nine months through the first year as of tomorrow.
Seventy-five percent.

It does not seem possible at moments.
But yet my life is so different than a year ago.
Than nine months ago.
Than four months ago.

I feel like I can at least breathe most days.
I feel like I have my head back on most days.  

This anniversary does not feel overwhelming.
Which is good.  
Of course it is tomorrow and I am in today.
So we will see what tomorrow is really like.
But standing in today, I do not feel the huge weight of another sort of big anniversary.

The other good thing is I am almost "graduating" from counseling.  
My last scheduled session is on Tuesday.
By the time next week is here, I will have gone five weeks without it.
It was a test to truly see if I am ready.
To give me some data to bank on.  
To prove to myself I can do this.  
And guess what, I can do this.
I can do this.

I am learning to accept grief.
I am learning to let it do what it needs.
I am learning not to question what it needs.
I am learning to accept where I am in negative and positive ways.  

I know I will never get over this.
I know I will and do still cry.
I know I will never forget him.

But time is making each day a tiny bit easier.
Each month is getting a tiny bit tolerable.  
And soon I will be looking back at an entire year.  
Soon very soon.


Deanna said...

I am so proud of you Star. I admire your strength. I can see your determination in every post that I read and I know that you will be fine. You are the strongest person that I know. And I love you.

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

You say the wisest things, my friend.
Hoorah for the passage of time!

Mars Girl said...

From the person at year 8 out, I can affirm that it does get easier. But even still I sometimes cry... Keep on pushing forward.

Ann said...

It'll be three years in three weeks. The first year was the hardest for me. Good luck and God bless!