Friday, May 1, 2009

Grief Bubbles Up

Grief is an amazing and crazy emotion and process.
If I try to suppress it, it will eventually bubble back up.
It will not just go away.
It usually comes when I least expect it.
And usually when it ways I least expect.

Last weekend when I heard the news about Ethan, I barely cried.  
And then when I found out he passed away, again I barely cried.  
I was sad for sure.
I was angry for sure.
But the tears were not flowing.

And I had to get through this week.
I had finals this week.
I had my first set of teaching exams.
I could not let myself fall apart this week.
Not this week.

So I pushed through.
I suppressed most of my feelings.  
And yes, I got through it.  

Until yesterday.
After most of my hard exams were over.
It started when I actually talked to my cousin, Eddy, the father of Ethan.  
They are having the memorial service this weekend and due to already made plans, I could not go.
And honestly, I do not know if I could make it through a funeral.  
I have been dreading the next funeral I need to go to and I am just not ready to face that yet.
And sadly, I can barely even remember Roger's.  
I can barely remember who was even at Roger's.  
But I felt horrible for not going.  

Talking to Eddy was just hard on so many levels.  
We all just went through this type of pain.
Eddy was Roger's best man and was close with Roger.  
My heart breaks for both his wife and him.  
And our entire family.

The tears came back again last night.  
I needed to get my things ready to go away for the weekend.  
I went into the guest room to get my carry on bag.  
I guess I have not used it in a while.
Immediately, chills ran down my back.
The resort tag from our honeymoon was still on my bag.  
Along with the claim tags stuck in the front pocket.
It was such an awesome trip.  We had an amazing time together.
Why are there always a million different reminders?

Later, I needed to get my suitcase from the bonus room.
Roger's ashes are still at my house, in the bonus room.
Rarely, do they freak me out.
They are just ashes.
They are not Roger.
But as I climbed the stairs, I just dreaded opening the door.
It was night time.  It was dark in the house.  
Then as I opened the closet to get my suitcase, I saw Roger's sitting next to mine.
Our matching suitcases.
I bought his as a gift for some holiday after he liked mine when we traveled together.
We were not a matchy matchy couple and I got the same color more as a joke than to match.

His suitcase was damaged when we were in the accident.  Not sure how or why. 
But it is still usable. 
Not sure when I will ever use it exactly but I cannot get rid of it.
Not yet.  

I went back to my room to finish packing and just broke down.
I miss him so much.
I hate that I lost him when we had so much more to do together.  

So after a week of not letting myself grieve.
Of keeping myself together.
Of keeping the tears inside.
It all bubbled out.  


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