In that process, I discovered he had some interesting music choices on it including that good ol' Boyz II Men music that I have not heard in years. Maybe even close to a decade.
Like "On Bended Knee", "End of the Road", and "One Sweet Day".
I remember dancing around in my yard back in my hometown listening to these songs on my discman.
And I remember singing the song "One Sweet Day" at the top of my lungs like I knew death and I understood death of a lover.
Boy, was I wrong.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
Back then, I thought the song was sweet.
I thought it was sad.
The chorus talked about how a lover was going to patiently wait in heaven for the other.
And today on my five hour plane ride from Seattle, this song popped up on my iPod during shuffle mode.
And I did not change it for the reason that the song is sad.
Yes, the song is sad but that is not the only reason I forwarded to the next song.
I took vows with Roger.
In a church and to God.
I took vows to be married until "death do you part".
Well, Roger is dead. He parted me.
And legally I am no longer married.
In the church's eyes even, I am not married.
We fulfilled our vows no matter how short our marriage ended up being.
And honestly, (this is the part where I am sure people will want to argue with me) I do not believe we see our loved ones in heaven.
I just do not think this is even feasible or real.
This is something that said and is suppose to comfort those left behind.
I do believe we feel and "see" them while we are still living but not after we die.
Which does make me sad but...
And I definitely do not believe I will see Roger in heaven as my husband.
What if I am married again? Who would be my husband in heaven?
Both of them? Like one big happy family?
No. And from the vows, I believe someone else thinks the same way.
Death parts marriage. The end.
I do not believe heaven is not anything humans can even comprehend.
But someone needs to give us something to aim for. Something to try to understand.
I think heaven will be more reflective of my life.
Heaven will be peaceful.
Heaven will be answers.
I cannot even think of it as pearly gates or gold streets.
Why would I need these things in my after life?
So this song "One Sweet Day" was making me angry.
I just wanted to scream "Get real!"
So I forwarded it to the next song.
Why would someone wait in heaven for someone else?
The "departed" would be enjoying their heaven.
Maybe they would visit their living counterparts but besides that no.
No reunions in heaven in my book.
No one greeting me when I get there.
Now, this is just my belief.
And my thoughts.
And my opinions.
And the thing about opinions, everyone's got one or many.